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Panic as new blood test gives seven years notice of cancer

The NHS is in disarray after a new blood test promises to give patients seven years notice that cancer will develop.

An NHS spokesman said, ‘We absolutely can’t and don’t plan on that sort of timescale. That’s more than two elections away. We don’t even know what we can do next week, what with drug shortages, lack of equipment, industrial action, falling nursing student numbers and all those sick people. There is no way we could put together a costed and credible plan to address a clinical need that is seven years away. And if we could, the politicians would tell us that we were clearly over-resourced, and would reduce our funding.’

NHS Forward Planning, a quango that wrings its hands about the awful state of the NHS, said that its initial response will be to delay sending out test results for seven years so that the unlucky cancer patients can be treated in the normal way.

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