Water company shareholders demand more waterborne disease outbreaks

'Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink

Or it's diarrhoea in the toilet, vomit in the sink'

That's the message from water company CEOs and shareholders, who have reacted furiously to the notion of spending any money on critical infrastructure.

'Trying to cut our dividends for "reasons of public health" is almost as disgusting as the putrid "water" coming out of this tap.' dry heaved one, very ill shareholder, voiding his already empty bowels. 

A well hydrated water company CEO floated past on a lilo: 'Imagine an industry where the product literally falls from the sky in vast quantities and yet it still requires massive taxpayer bailouts and it also poisons people. Dividends and senior executive bonuses are up though.'

'Water supply is a tremendous financial opportunity. It's not like people need water to live. Champagne?' 

Channel Sewage Unsanitary - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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P&O bosses to pay staff 'in rum, sodomy and the lash'

'Arr, me hearties' said an eye-patch wearing P&O spokesman, feeding some crumbs to the enormous parrot on his shoulder, his one metal tooth glinting in the light.

'It's important for the land lubbers who run the enterprise to take the lion's share of Neptune's bounty. But some of them scurvy-ridden knaves have demanded a living wage! Even when we set sail in international waters? Keel haul 'em I say. Send 'em to Davy Jones' locker. Do they think we're made of Spanish gold? We'll make them walk the plank at the point of my cutlass, rather than pay them enough doubloons to live.'

The parrot flapped its wings and squawked 'Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight. But only for management.'  

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

A minority of Landlords insist on ruining it for the rest by being decent

As with most professions there is always a minority acting against the rest, and with Landlords, it is no exception. There a few out there, luckily in decreasing numbers, who just want to be decent people. They must be found out and dealt with.

There is a tiny, yet irritating cluster of do-gooders, trying to raise the name of the majority, by wanting to provide affordable, liveable dwellings. Utter madness. They are against the very concept of what being a lord over land is all about and something needs to be done about it.

These insidious altruists undermine the very concept of feudalistic property ownership and want to consider radical schemes such as rent control or cleaning mould. Restrictions on rent increases are abhorrent to the core values of insisting on the maximum rent you can get, then adding a bit more. What do they think the whole point of a owning a house is, if not to make as much money off other people as possible?

As the saying goes, all it takes is a few good apples to enhance the barrel. To improve the whole orchard in fact, and no true property entrepreneur wants that.

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash