Boeing to use 'much stronger glue' in future

Following the fallout (literally) of an emergency door from a Boeing plane in flight, the company has pledged to use 'much stronger glue' when building their planes in future.

'We’d been using the glue that comes with Airfix models,' explained Boeing CEO Dave Nosedive today. 'I mean, they’re planes too, right?

'Then we noticed the small print on the box said "This is a non-working model, obviously you can’t use the same glue for real planes, you utter morons." So between that and the news stories about our planes falling out of the sky, we realised we needed a rethink.'

Nosedive said he sent his Head of Procurement, Steve Tightwad, down to WHSmith to see what they had. 'He came back with an own brand, all purpose glue that was pretty che… I mean, cost efficient. Doesn’t specifically say it can be used on metal, but it’s probably OK.'

Despite this, Nosedive was summoned to a meeting of angry shareholders in New York, with the specific instruction he should fly there on a plane made by someone else.

Image: Justin Lim (@justinlim) | Unsplash Photo Community

Conservative economics 101

While many are critical of the current party in power regarding the handling of the National economy, it is likely that most of the detractors are unaware of the parallel universe economics that are at play.

Take inflation, the measure of how rapidly costs are rising.  In standard economics inflation is strictly a derivative, a measure of the rate of change of value.  In Tory economics the definition depends on whether the rate of inflation is 'good' or 'bad'.  For example, inflation rising at 11% or so is obviously bad by any measure, but in Tory economics this is not only bad but not their fault - they don't control the external factors causing inflation such as war in Ukraine, price gouging by energy firms supporting the Tory party or by Brexit.  Ultimately it is the fault of the Bank of England that inflation is so high.

'Good' inflation, which is any fractional part of 'bad' inflation such as 6.5% (half), or 3.25% (quarter) or 2% (gnat's cock) is clearly thanks to the government who legally have no control over the Bank of England, but is obviously due to the price gouging energy firms gouging less thanks to the Tories, the war in Ukraine (and Gaza and several other places too mundane to mention) and of course, for unspecified reasons, due to Brexit. 

In the real universe the 6.5% and 3.25% are also bad, but in Tory economics these numbers prove prices are going down, which in the real world requires something real economists call deflation.  In real economics they indicate prices are still rising, but slower; in Tory economics deflation is bad for Tory donors, banks and hot air balloons.  It's also bad for those who actually have any residual cash not destroyed by the 11% inflation, but never acknowledged in either universe, but good for those who actually have to pay for stuff out of their own pocket.  Or for those companies that need to make stuff it should be a good thing, but the accountants would disagree.

In the next lesson we'll discuss political gravity, where down is up and 19% in the polls is really a good thing.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

Stationary Piccadilly Line train enters third decade of ‘regulating the service’

An announcer has told passengers on the 0710 Piccadilly Line service of 18 March 2003 from Cockfosters their unscheduled wait at Wood Green will continue “to even out the gaps in the service”.

Kenneth P. Miles-Green, a chartered accountant posting on X, formerly Twitter, said: “My expectations of more than one Piccadilly Line train per generation were clearly unfounded. Who says accountants can’t be optimistic?”

A London Underground spokesperson responded: “The belief that the Piccadilly Line resumed service after its tunnels provided wartime air-raid shelters is a popular misconception; it’s really just been a ghost service to avoid the cost and administrative hassle of closing the line. And this alleged ‘announcer’ is clearly a malicious prankster — though I admit we probably shouldn’t have let him have a TfL uniform.”

Story: sketchedbyboz