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Trump imposes tariffs on imported thoughts and prayers

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United States president Donald Trump has addressed the latest school shooting by introducing 25% tariffs on all overseas sympathy. Trump believes that this will boost US manufacturers of thoughts and prayers which will be a huge comfort to the families and friends of the dead children.


The 44th US school shooting of the year so far prompted the new tariffs which Trump says will raise $2.4 billion in revenue over the next six months. This projection is based on numbers plucked out of the air but assumes an increase in mass shootings due to increased poverty, injustice and gun ownership, thanks to government policies.


The tariffs will only apply to thoughts and prayers being sent in connection with gun crime. Those being sent to anyone convicted of child sex trafficking will continue to be free of any tariffs. Not that anyone outside of the current US government ever sends any.



Jeffrey Epstein’s amazing memory

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A close associate of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein has been talking about his amazing memory.


She claims that Epstein had a photographic memory and never, for example, made a shopping list. ‘He’d remember everything. If he needed 101 things from the supermarket, he’d remember them all and wouldn’t forget a single thing. It was amazing.


‘He didn’t have an address book, because he could remember all the names and all the addresses, He’d do the Christmas cards himself, by hand, addressing all the envelopes from memory, without hesitation. He could remember all his friends’ birthdays and their anniversaries. And he’d remember the birthdays of all their kids, and how old they were. Jeffrey never forgot an eighteenth birthday.


‘His astonishing memory meant that he didn’t need to keep any contacts in his mobile phone. You could give him any name, and he’d just dial their number from memory. It was his party trick. He’d borrow someone’s phone and dial a number from memory – Donald Trump, Prince Andrew, whoever. The girls all loved it when he did that.


‘The news coverage about the so-called Epstein List makes me laugh. He would never have had a list. He would never have needed one. Never in a million years. He remembered it all in his head. No address book, no phone contacts – of course not!  He didn’t even keep his call history – he said that would be cheating.  He thought people would doubt his unbelievable memory if he kept any kind of records, so he didn’t.


‘So when Ghislaine Maxwell says that there was no Epstein List, I’m thinking ‘damn right there’s no list’.  Jeffery should have left his brain to science. Then the boffins could have worked out what made him so special.‘



Tommy Robinson hoping to be new face of Cinch

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Following the public outrage of Rylan parroting Reform talking points it's becoming clear that buyers of second hand cars need a more right-wing brand ambassador than the Essex star.  'No tats, perfect teeth, sounds a bit gay,' said one Reform supporter.  Obviously Nigel Farage would have been the natural replacement but he just can't fit another job in.  Well, maybe, maybe not.  What's on offer? 


Luckily Tommy Robinson AKA Yaxley-Lennon and McCartney is currently out of jail, in-between holidays and is just a crowdfund away from the role, which is considered one of the easiest marketing jobs in the industry.  Practically a Cinch, actually.



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