Electorate rejoices at budget

Scarcely had Chancellor Jeremy Hunt had sat down, the electorate stood as one and cheered.

'Infrastructure is going to be improved,' shouted a trader at Canary Wharf, who now realises he can cut his Oyster Cards costs to next to nothing once he buys a prime piece of real estate next to his workplace as his work locality is levelled up.  'Hell, I may even start to work from home and still meet up with the team in the pub at five,' he said.

'Thank the Lord we don't have to recalculate our income stream,' shouted millions of pensioners, relieved that NI, not income tax, was being reduced.  The sentiment was echoed by the millions of zero hour, part time minimum wage workers who admitted it really didn't matter which tax was reduced as they don't pay either.  The government has rightly branded these low paid workers as tax avoiding scroungers.  But not during the budget, obviously.

'It's about time the government did something about these loaded millionaires taking advantage of the multiple purchase stamp duty exemption scam,' mumbled a man in a suit stood at the despatch box during the budget, admittedly after taking advantage of the 'scam' for about thirteen properties before the rule was changed.

The HSE noted that they would have warned the Chancellor to duck as he left the House of Commons due to the lack of fiscal headroom he has left himself, or more likely Rachel Reeves, but the lack of investment in publicly funded bodies precluded anyone being available.

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Jeremy Hunt diverts entire GDP into his own constituency

Chancellor Jeremy Hunt introduced a reorganisation of the British economy in Wednesday's budget which involved slashing all spending departments budgets to zero and funnelling the resulting one trillion pounds into the constituency of Godalming and Ash. This will fund a controversial "Vote Conservative and get a hundred million pounds in your back pocket" scheme for the voters of Godalming and the surrounding villages.

Mr Hunt denied any suggestion of Gerrymandering: "It's pure chance that the finances ended up like this. I didn't even know it was my constituency until it was pointed out by my wife, Lucia, that it's where I live."

According to pollsters Yougov's interviews, the new scheme has affected people's voting intentions as one voter explained; "I certainly plan to tell him I voted for Conservative and claim the money. Obviously, I'll actually vote LibDem." confirmed Mrs L. Hunt of Godalming.

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Chancellor’s ingenious plan to ‘get Britain moving’

The Chancellor has surprised his critics with a budget themed on ‘turbo-charging Britain’ and ‘getting Britain moving’.

The Chancellor has found an ingenious way to instantly boost the economy by 10% at virtually no cost. This is achieved by raising all 20mph speed limits by 10%, to 22mph. This bold and innovative move will speed up the movement of supplies to factories, finished products to shops, and will speed up consumers’ journeys to and from the shops. Indeed, all economic sectors will benefit.

Economists agree that the move will definitely boost productivity – but probably not by a full 10% as some speed limits will remain unchanged. Experts are forecasting the actual boost to be between 0.003% and 8.191919%. Tory strategists believe that the new policy will be particularly popular in Wales and will lessen enthusiasm for Welsh independence.

The Labour Party was wrong-footed by this innovative plan and could only mutter about increasing road casualties, as 22mph impacts are slightly more serious than crashes at 20mph. Labour have not ruled out reversing the policy after the next election. George Galloway has complained that the initiative ‘does nothing for Gaza’.

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