top of page
Search

Archaeologists discover sub-human creature called Lee Anderthal



Archaeologists have unearthed an archaic form of human which they have called "Lee Anderthal".


The surprising discovery was made in the studios of GB News following an in-depth study by a team from Cambridge University. The being is also thought to have wandered the corridors of the House of Commons.


Primitive cave paintings thought to have been created by Lee Anderthal were found near the creature. They include the phrases “You can cook a meal for 30 pieces of corn” and “Asylum seekers should f*** off back to the Jurassic age”.


Davinia Digsworth of Cambridge University’s archaeology department said she and her team was delighted to have made such a fascinating discovery. “Lee Anderthal is basically the link between Neanderthals and humans,” she said. “It’s a sub-human form of life that seems to have thrived on nuts, fruit and whipping up hatred."


She added: “We think it’s brain was slightly more advanced that those of Neanderthals, but obviously far less capable than the ones that present-day humans have.”


The creature is due to go on display at the Nottinghamshire Museum of Racism next month.




‘Not enough wars’ say arms manufacturers



Despite a widespread feeling that 2024 has been reasonably bellicose, leading arms companies have called for governments to step up the aggression in a bid to prevent a global Depression.


“We all remember the Great Depression of the 1930s”, a spokesman said. “Ultimately that led to World War Two. So we’re trying to save lives, really. We feel that a small number of minor wars now would keep the economy turning nicely and stave off anything large and dangerous. We’re not talking about anything closer than Ukraine. Gaza is perfect – thousands of miles away and the US Government is only too happy to pay. There’s always the West Bank when Gaza runs out of, erm, terrorists”.


The ideal war involves far-off places without nukes. African wars don’t usually attract Western dollars so they’re not much use, though there are hopes that Trump might spark something involving diamond mines as he enters his ‘Elvis in Vegas’ era.


“How about the Falklands again? Only this time the USA could side with Argentina and unleash shock and awe on the Brits! Hey, that might work”, said the spokesman, frantically scrolling Google Maps. “Or Vietnam? Haven’t done that one for a while”.


Economists agree that blowing up existing infrastructure is somehow good for the global economy, though they refuse to explain why. We wouldn’t understand, apparently. Maths. Anyway, War is Good and suggestions for the next conflict are always welcome. Please send ideas to: Senatorsforhire.com




MumsNet still not talking about nets



Despite decades of discussions, MumsNet refuses to tackle the thorny issue of fishing quotas. Said one trawler captain and mother of five: 'I'm not interested in catchment areas, unless they are talking about cod in the North Sea.'


By ignoring mothers involved in commercial fishing, the site has marginalized the 0.0000000001% of their users who own a shrimp boat. Said one captain: 'There are beam trawls, midwater trawls and large bottom trawls. None of which have anything to do with Trans issues.


MumsNet said it will not engage with people trawling for conflict and fake user accounts that smell fishy. One mother struggled to put into words how upset she was: 'I'm gutted...and filleted.'





bottom of page