King Arthur awakes and dresses in a rush to save nation

"Christ, is that the time?" gasped Arthur, tumbling out of his tomb under Glastonbury Tor and donning his chainmail in a panic.

"I promised to return and save Britain if ever it were in dire peril," muttered the once and future king, girding Excalibur and taking a quick slug of coffee from the Holy Grail.

"Now look what I've done. I dozed off here on the Isle of Avalon and slept right through the catastrophic administrations of Boris, May, Truss and Starmer.

"God knows how those duffers have screwed up the country while I slumbered. I doubt even a messianic figure like myself could sort out the wasteland they've left behind them."

"Ni!" said Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, one of the Boris-made knights who like to say Ni, as the saviour-king emerged into 21st-century Britain.

"Look who it is! That dreadful oik, King Arthur."

image from pixabay

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'No 10 North' revealed to be Wallace and Gromit’s house

The much vaunted 'No 10 North', from which likely Prime Minister Andy Burnham hopes to rebalance power across the country, turns out to be the familiar house lived in by the beloved characters Wallace and Gromit.

Every morning, Burnham will be tipped out of bed and straight into his clothes, while his Deputy Prime Minister puts the kettle on and activates the “toastomatic” for their breakfast.

Burnham will then leave the house in a van painted with the slogan 'Power devolved to regional assemblies - no job too big or too small', accompanied by the Deputy PM on a motorbike with sidecar.

Sources indicate that the deputy, while never actually getting to speak, is by far the smarter of the two, and gets Burnham out of all sorts of ambushes set by his enemies.

Chief among these is an evil penguin recently elected leader of the Conservative Party, which still seems a better decision than Liz Truss.

Image credit: ChatGPT

Warm sunshine and lack of drizzle slows the advance of Mancunian Burnham

Keir Starmer's grip on power has proved more slippery than a Peter Mandelson background check.  Starmer has the look of a man with his own dark grey Mancunian rain cloud permanently drizzling on him - and with good reason. 

Scientists now believe that if Sir Keir was accidentally exposed to direct sunlight, he would melt faster than his own waxwork. However, a recent spell of hot weather has helped Starmer out, as the Armies of the North find UV intolerable. The sun is the natural enemy of rain-loving Mancunians, whilst The Sun is the natural enemy of Liverpudlians and journalism and basic human decency. 

Meanwhile, King Burnham has faced criticism for not articulating any actual policies beyond simply being Mayor of Manchester. A parka-wearing spokesman shook a tambourine, and sneered into his microphone, 'You could wait for a lifetime to spend your time in the sunshine...  Some might say that sunshine follows thunder. Go and tell it to the man who cannot shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine,' before adding,  'You're twisting my melons man! Heaven knows Keir Starmer's miserable now. Andy Burnham is the resurrection, and he is the light.' 

Image credit: ChatGPT