Jess Phillips should resign, just because

Our in house artist has provided this image of Postman Pat's cat and a crosshead screwdriver.

Recent calls for the resignation of Jess Phillips have drowned out past calls for her resignation and a general sense of déjà vu. It's not so much that she needs sacking, it's just that her being a Minister is so damn weird.

Said one voter,  'Do we need a reason to get rid of her? Oh, okay. How about -  because she is a hypocritical performative narcissist. No? You want more? How about - she is incompetent and traitorous. Er, you still want more? Um...well...she cheats at Monopoly. Actually, that last one may be a fib.'

No.10 explained their strategy. 'If we sack her now, then we'll have nothing to look forward to later.'

Picture credit: perchance.org / deskpilot

VIP lane criticised for using sub-standard VIPs

The former Conservative Government, of no fixed abode, pleaded guilty this week to using ‘VIPs of a substandard or shoddy quality’.

Public bodies are legally required to put large contracts out to competitive tender. During the Covid crisis the Johnson government took the unprecedented step of ignoring the law and buying PPE from VIPs instead, presumably in a bid to make plastic overalls a bit more glamorous.

The problem was that Ministers didn’t know any actual VIPs. Instead of Hollywood A listers, Premiership footballers or James Bond, the PPE was bought from people like Matt Hancock’s pub landlord. If he had coincidentally turned out to be Al Murray this might have worked - but he isn’t.

We asked a civil servant: what went wrong? ‘Well’, he said, ‘we don’t get much excitement, so pretty much anybody off the telly would have turned our heads, but literally every so-called VIP was a nonentity. The only Very Important attribute any of them brought was that they were friends with a Minister. Funny, that’.

Michelle Mone is set to appeal the court’s judgment, entering some raunchy photos of her on a yacht in lacey underwear as evidence of her ‘attributes’.

The case continues . . .

Image: karinasetiawan - Pixabay

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Iguana's rare 'virgin birth' shocks Catholic Church

The pope has asked everyone to treat lizards with respect, in case one of those born in a Telford zoo from a virgin mother might be the second coming of Jesus.

In other religious news, The Catholic Herald is demanding the Chancellor tells the meek how much inheritance tax they will be liable for.

image created by Google Gemini

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