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Reform seeks candidates who are “a bit less Reformy”


Following scandals over candidates doing Nazi salutes or saying the victims of the Grenfell fire “would have died anyway”, Reform have decided they need to find candidates who “are a bit less Reformy”.


The strategy was outlined by party chairman Lee Anderthal, who before he went into politics specialised in making stone tools and flint arrowheads.


“The trouble is, we seem to only attract people who are a bit dim and hopeless. Who just have a vague, self-pitying dislike of the modern world they’re not intelligent enough to process, and imagine it’s all the fault of immigrants.”


”He’s right,” agreed the head of the party’s Irish branch, Austral O’Pithecus, whose special responsibilities include making fire. “Everyone who joins Reform basically sees things as stupidly as we do. We need to find people who are much smarter than us, but inexplicably want to be Reform candidates.”


They concluded by expressing the hope their new manifesto might attract the kind of people they want. Unfortunately it’s thought it wasn’t seen by many people, as it was only available as a cave painting.


image by Grok

Your guide to Party membership fees


The Reform Party now has more members than the Conservatives.  This is probably because Reform is dirt cheap to join.  A grubby twenty-five quid in used notes will get you in (ten quid for concessions) and you get a free flag.  And if you can't afford the fee, then Aaron Banks will probably pay it for you.  Anything to get the numbers up.


Labour charges an impressive £70.50 a year, because party membership fees aren’t included in the ONS inflation calculations, and because ‘We’re Worth It’.  Psychologists say that a high price sends a signal that the product is high quality.  Voters says that psychologists don’t know what they’re on about.  Do you remember that old bargain offer of Labour membership for three quid?  Long gone, just like Ed Miliband.


Plaid Cymru, the Greens, and Your Party (name correct at time of publication) all charge £60.  Plaid Cymru offers a bargain rate for £2 a year, if you are under 18, or a sheep, and you get a My First Party app for your smartphone. You may also need to be Welsh. That wasn’t clear.  Plaid is a good party to join if you have a burning desire to get into politics.


The Lib Dems charge £50 – remember them?  For just £50 you can enjoy watching 72 MPs punching well below their weight.  Do the Lib Dems get fourteen times the publicity that Reform gets with 5 MPs?  Nope.


You can join the Conservatives for £39 a year.  Cash payments are encouraged; euros not accepted.  If you are unwaged, then the annual fee rises to £78.  Despite the bargain-basement price, membership numbers continue to plummet faster than lemmings off a cliff.  The Tories have haemorrhaged members after the shame of the Brexit, Boris and Liz Truss debacles, and disastrous election results, and disastrous policies.  If you can afford to pay a bit more - an extra million or so - then you can play an active role in setting party policies.


Finally, the SNP charge a bargain-basement annual fee of £12, inadvertently reinforcing an unacceptable racial stereotype.  Membership includes free motorhome insurance.  Do the SNP’s 9 MPs get twice the publicity that Reform gets?  Nay.


Anyway, times is hard. The New Year is always a good time to review subscriptions that you don’t use.  Magazines, gym subscriptions, streaming services, and, yes, political parties, too.  

Maybe Poundland should start a political party. Then we’d all be quids in...



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