‘A’ levels to be replaced by three-word slogans

For decades A Levels have been a rite of passage for ambitious teenagers, struggling over lists of facts, complex equations and the harsh beauty of quantum theory. Now all that is to be swept aside in the most radical re-imagining of education since Oxford University somehow awarded a degree to Boris Johnson.

“The beauty of a slogan is you don’t need to think too hard. They’re explicitly designed to prevent thought“, a spokesman told us. “Who needs to know all the Civil War battles anyway? Knowledge stifles creativity – write that down, Janet – we need to keep the minds of working people clear so they can receive their instructions”.

Government policy is already largely determined by three word slogans. Brexit will eventually allow the tedious piles of books which codify English Law to be replaced with a few posters from Athena, clarifying even the most abstruse legal concepts.

“We got the idea from ‘Ready for Rishi’ “, the spokesman said. “Meaningless, but it’s spread like wildfire – by his detractors as well as his fans. That’s when it hit us – meaning is overrated. Quick, Janet, write that down”.

“A slogan is much easier to digest than, say, all the reactions in organic chemistry. OK, we won’t be able to design our own chemical plants any more – but we don’t need to, there’s China etc for that. Janet, write that down: ‘China Etc’ – it’ll come in handy. No, what we need is a compliant workforce. And I don’t mean all that dreadful EU-style compliance – data protection, health and safety, all that nonsense. No, what British industry is crying out for are helpful people who don’t mind dying occasionally. If the project goes well we might be able to switch off all the immigration, which would definitely make places like Birmingham seem a little less grim”.

The new streamlined A Levels have been likened to laminate flooring – a shiny veneer glued onto MDF. Private schools will retain Latin, which provides a better quality of veneer concealing the same glued-together sawdust. Which possibly explains Boris, now we come to think of it.

“Stop that!” the spokesman admonishes us. “Thought is weakness”.

So there we have it. Unclutter your mind, enjoy hard work and accept that fascism is fun. Write that down, Janet.

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8.4% fewer female A-Level students filmed jumping in the air

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Parents relieved: grades of privately educated cherubs CAN be bought after all

A 97% inflation in private school grades has put the minds of rich parents at ease. After years of dismay that their dim spawn might have to suffer equivalent grades to those achieved in the state school system, the private education sector has finally pulled its finger out when it comes to enhancing grades on an industrial scale.

One parent who preferred not to be named snorted, "I was profoundly concerned that having spent tens of thousands on De Pfeffel Jr.'s education, he might not acquire the grades I had paid for. But I am satisfied that this newly invigorated Department of Education has finally come to its senses. In the real world, when I bribe people, I get what I want. De Pfeffel Jr. must learn that he doesn't have to work for anything and can buy his way in or out of whatever he chooses. Like that marvellous chap, Prince Andrew.

A response from the Department of Education stated, "We want to make it perfectly clear that this is in no way unfair. When a pupil cheats on a test in order to receive a higher grade, then that is cheating, and they will be severely punished. When entire private schools of great repute cheat all of their grades, then that is merely ensuring that wealthy parents are getting value for money. Their investments have to pay out, or there might be a perception that private education is unable to offer significant benefits over the state school system. And no one wants to see that."