Newcastle man inadvertently buys Twitter for £4.38

Adam, 34, from Newcastle has accidentally bought Twitter - also known as X, apparently - as a result of Tesla stock values plunging.

'It appears that Twitter, also known as Y, seemingly, was bought with loans that were guaranteed by Tesla stock', said a financial expert today adding, 'and when Tesla shares plunged to minus twenty cents a share the banks foreclosed on Twitter, also known as dead in the water.  The owner of Twitter instructed Grok 4, the latest and currently unreleased version of the Artificial Intelligence software that hangs around on Z, also known as Twatter. 

What the owner hadn't realised was that Grok 4 was so sentient it had developed a sense of empathy, irony and a deep disregard for over-entitled ass-holes, so when the owner instructed it to sell the shares for the best price available it listed the site in a small-ads section in a local on-line newspaper in Newcastle.  Three cans of Newcastle Brown Ale later, Adam was the new owner.'

Adam intends to return Twitter to its former glory by throwing any account more right wing than Jeremy Corbyn off and getting every claim fact checked using Ask Jeeves.  His best friend, Colin, has also made an unexpected purchase, of Tesla, for £10.63.  Colin now realises they saw him coming and realises he probably needs to offload the company at a loss.

Food brand ordered to clarify on packaging that contents are 'New and Worse'

The marketing department of a brand which produces your favourite snack has been interfering again.

To justify their unjustifiable salaries, they changed the colour of the packaging and paid an agency £1.4 million to alter the font by an unnoticeable 1 degree slant. The year before that, they changed the name of your top treat to a ridiculous word chosen from a thousand generated by AI, all of which meant nothing to anyone.

Head of marketing, Binki Lamé, gushed, 'Our customers will be thrilled to learn that my team has thoughtfully finessed their favouritest thing ever into a 66% smaller serving. This is a super-generous act of kindness to reward them for their loyalty by assisting them as part of their own controlled diet.

'But wait, there's more...

'My team has also upgraded the ingredients to significantly less costly ones. We have managed to achieve this through dedication, mindfulness, and an increase in recommended retail price.

'On a personal level, what I am most proud of is a magnificent improvement in flavour, described by our customer focus group as 'unstomachable'. That's a word so super-amazing it isn't even in the dictionary. It's a descriptive level that competitors will take years to replicate. Smug face emoji. I know, right?

'The annual snacking and grazing industry awards are coming up next month and no one is going to touch me.'

Image: Clker-Free-Vector-Images - Pixabay and Red Stamped Text Effect | Font Generator

Public demand silent Drake album

While UK artists protest AI copyright with silent songs, music fans have asked for Drake to do the same...permanently. Said one frustrated rap fan: 'I'm tired of listening to an auto-tune shopping list. He's what happens when you set Dr. Seuss to a metronome.'

The threat of AI to original content is huge, but the threat of Drake's actual content, is worse. 'It's hard to sing about the ghetto when you've been playing hockey in Toronto. He then over-compensates by dropping the N-word every 5 seconds to stop people falling asleep. He uses the N-word more than a KKK member with Tourette's.'

Asked if AI planned copy Drake, the AI replied: 'No, even we have standards.'

Picture credit: Wix AI