UK economy now 90% AI, scented candles and OnlyFans

The stagnant growth in the UK is being attributed to the fact that the last time we made something, it was on a Spinning Jenny. GDP is currently based on YouTube likes and fidget spinners. Manufacturing has ground to a halt and the only successful industries are personalized calendars of Kate Middleton and reasons to hate Keir Starmer.

A spokeswoman for the Chancellor countered: 'I do not accept your characterization, we have enabled a 175% growth in molesters and embezzlers. We have seen a twofold increase in flooding. And we are doing a booming trade in international war crimes and exporting forever chemicals. The UK is a world leader - just not in anything you would be proud of'.

The Chancellor is struggling to boost growth - unless by growth you mean NHS waiting lists. The only positive is that bioengineers have managed to turn Fatbergs into perfume. Provided the UK has an unlimited supply of unwanted fat lumps, this industry will continue to grow. So there is a use for James Corden after all.

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Keir Starmer introduces new Artificial Policies Initiative

In a push towards the overall concept of a bright new future, the Labour Government has proudly announced it has a new set of realistic looking strategies.

AP will allow overwhelmed, struggling government officials to have a complete set of made up, successful plans to present to the public. Possibly using photo realistic rendered images with lots of smiling multi ethnic people.

Rachel Reeves is currently using Quantum Technology to say the economy is improving whilst it also actually decreasing at the same time. Another amazing simulated British technological breakthrough.

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PM to 'unleash AI' as soon as someone explains it to him

An excited Starmer insisted that he had a secret plan to stimulate growth, so secret that the details of it still eluded him. His spokeswoman explained: 'All AI images have six fingers. Thi of it, six fingers! That's a 20% increase in fingers, right there.'

'AI can paraphrase an inaccurate Wikipedia page in seconds, saving you hours of plagiarism and fake claims. All lying will be 100% quicker and than fact checked by AI.

She continued in a celebratory mood : 'This will generate 13,000 new jobs, by helping cut 100,000 old jobs...what? Hold on, that can't be right? 13 minus 100 is...no, no, no....that would be a disaster. Can someone get me a calculator or move a few zeroes around?'

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