Iran safe as Americans don't know where it is

Or how to pronounce it. In fact, given only 23% can find it on a map, chances are it will be Israel or Belguim that gets bombed.

Explained a four-star General: 'We know roughly where it is. It's near oil, their women dress like ghosts and they do the squiggly writing. It's definitely not Iraq, as we did those guys.'

US missiles will have an inbuilt sat nav and the Where's Wally Book of Fake Nukes. The major concern is that if they commit troops, then they will get buried in sand, along with their car keys. 'I have every confidence we will find it - it's next to Canada, right?'

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

The ghost of Paul Revere rides into LA

American Pi

'If those goddamn interfering Euroland bureaucrat busybodies can change the inch to 25.4mm exactly, just to make their sums a bit easier, then we in the free world - i.e., not in the republic of Eurolandshire - can do the same.

'As from tomorrow, Pi in America will be 3.142 - precisely.  No ifs, no buts.  No more of this never-ending number of decimal places or 'irrational number' bollosck.  Irrational numbers are just that - irrational. Which means 'lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence' and 'not endowed with reason or understanding'.  We're going to fix that.

'The next thing we'll sort out is Plank's constant.  At 6.62607015 × 10-34 m2 kg / s, it's so small, it's not worth bothering with, and anyway it's metric, so it's got to be rubbish.  So we'll just abolish it, and save a ton of money.  No, not a tonne, just a good, straight ton.  Of US dollars, obviously.

'But e is a bit bigger - a more sensible size.  It just needs tidying up a bit.  2.718 should work just fine.  (Who the Hell is Euler?  Another goddamn foreigner from Europland?  You might want e to have a different value, but that's just Europinion.  We in America believe in democracy, i.e., doing whatever democratically-elected I - decide.)

'But the biggest and greatest, of course, will be the Golden Ratio, which I have decided will bea nice, round 1.6180 exactly.  Well, until I change my mind again.

Picture credit: Wix AI