Farage experiments with deerstalker

Celebrity gold enthusiast and part-time politician Nigel Farage has added a deerstalker and magnifying glass to his selection of weird costumes. The sartorial switch comes after Farage appointed himself as ‘consulting detective’ on the Ann Widdecombe case.

‘We can’t trust the police, that’s obvious’ said a supporter. ‘They’re biased against white people. Only Nigel can bring the objectivity needed to find the black or brown person who committed this terrible crime’.

The tragic murder of an old woman couldn’t have come at a better time for Farage, briefly displacing a talking bin in the news cycle. It isn’t clear who will play Watson to his Holmes – Lee Anderson has the imbecilic naivete but not the social class, Sarah Pochin is a woman and Zia Yusuf  - well, let’s leave it there, shall we? Robert Jenrick auditioned for the role but got distracted by a passing ice cream van and was last seen chasing it while painting over the cartoon characters.

If Farage succeeds in catching the killer he may face a dilemma – fight crime or remain leader of Reform? There’s an obvious conflict of interest.

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White House Press Secretary ‘too challenging’, say onanists

The Royal Society of Onanists (patron: Darren Grimes) has requested that Karoline Leavitt be replaced as White House Press Secretary as she is causing ‘a disturbing lack of productivity’.

‘She should hit the spot’, a spokesman told reporters. He has asked to remain anonymous. Well you would, wouldn’t you? ‘She’s got all the right bits – she’s young, blonde, obviously not too bright – but try as we might, nobody’s managed to crack one out yet. Could it be . . . no . . . surely not . . . could it be that we’re actually not that shallow?’

Scientists are equally baffled. Professor Barrett is a sexologist. Yes, that’s a real job. ‘Usually it doesn’t even need to be a real woman. A cartoon figure, a dangling stiletto, the suggestion of a nipple intruding on stretched fabric . . . . excuse me’.

After a while he returned. ‘Where was I? Oh yes – it’s the male superpower. We’ve never encountered anything vaguely humanlike which can’t be used as . . . supporting material. Even Ann Widdecombe could be used in an emergency – we’re talking zombie apocalypse level situations, and suicide might be the preferred option – but Leavitt is something else.

We asked Ann Widdecombe for comment but she was busy setting up an Only Fans page.

image from pixabay

Strictly to recruit famous dead person for next series

NewsBiscuit has seen a secret BBC document suggesting that the Corporation may be about to recruit a famous dead person for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing. In a paper marked “Strictly Confidential”, the unknown author states that with the success of Rose Ayling-Ellis, Johnnie Peacock and now Chris McCausland, the public has been shown to “willingly embrace diversity amongst the contestants”.

However, the text emphasises that any announcement would come with significant communication challenges. In particular, the messaging around the decision should highlight the “innovation and edginess”, and not mention anything about “lower appearance fees”, or that a dead person would be “unable to complain about abuse”.

While the paper acknowledges the challenges of “visual appearance and decomposition”, it states however that “make-up, fake tan and glitter should successfully conceal the vast majority of blemishes”.

A further challenge noted is the "relatively small pool of famous preserved corpses", some of whom were dictators, whose “past political views may overshadow the dance performances and therefore complicate news management”. As a result, a draft shortlist comprising only Tollund Man and Jeremy Bentham is set out, with the latter being “cheaper but scoring very poorly on name recognition in early focus groups”.

In a final point, the document’s author says that while there might be initial criticism about recruiting someone who “couldn’t dance or even smile”, these issues had been “dealt with years ago in recruiting Ann Widdecombe”.

image from pixabay