Showbiz world stunned as Ant & Dec hand back their latest NTA award

Showbiz has been left reeling following news lovable Geordies Ant and Dec have handed back their 22nd consecutive Best TV Presenter award.

Fans are said to be devastated with hashtag #AntandDecAlwaysWinBestTVPresenterAwardItsTheLaw trending all day on social media sites, while Samaritans report a massive increase in calls to its national helpline.

To add insult to injury, Ant, or it might have been Dec, we’re not sure said: ‘Thawz nie kudos left in it, bonny lad. Even we're embarrassed by having won the bloody thing every year. Well noo, leik, we just cannat be awsed nie maw. And if wor fans durn’t leik it th'ill just have to haddaway an’ shite.’

Catchphrase presenter Stephen Mulhern is understood to have now replaced the boys in the category; not for anything specific. It’s just that he somehow manages to look the dead spit of Ant and Dec rolled into one person. A move NTA big wigs hope might keep the public happy.

Ant and Dec to reboot the 1990s Tory Party

Cheeky Geordie phone-in scammers Ant and Dec are rebooting things from the 1990s, with Rishi Sunak anxious to get the Tory Party in on the act.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘The 1990s were a time when the Tory party was paralysed by debate over Europe, TV shows like Friends were whiter than a dinner party at Nigel Farage’s house and there was a war in Eastern Europe. Scandal back then meant a male Tory MP asphyxiating themselves in a hotel room wearing stockings and suspenders with a tangerine in their mouth. Good clean fun. Rishi’s 90s nostalgia is hoping for a Tory electoral performance as good as 1997 because at least there will still be some Tory MPs left.’

An Ant and Dec spokesman said ‘Matt Hancock went in the jungle. ITV would like to apologise for the fact he got out.’

image from pixabay

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Government named as sponsor for Ant & Dec's new show: "I'm a UK Diplomat... Get Me Out Of Here"

The Government has been named as sponsors for Ant & Dec's new show: 'I'm a UK Diplomat... Get Me Out Of Here'.

Speaking to reporters, a Foreign Ministry spokesman commented: 'I'm sure the lads will do a great job. What's more, I know our self-serving diplomats will happily eat arses, cocks, anuses, not to mention freshly baked animal feces if it ensures they get out of the world's trouble spots before our ordinary nationals who are either working abroad or perhaps on holiday.'

One diplomat told us: 'I'll do whatever it takes to get my lardy and cowardly bum in a seat aboard one of those evacuation planes. You'd better believe it.'

When it was suggested perhaps it might be more in-keeping with his duties to first assist regular British citizens to leave these countries safely, he said. 'F*ck that for a game of soldiers. Because you see I'm very important, and sadly... I'm rather afraid they're not.'

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