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Isle of Wight condemns ‘provocative’ balloon airspace violation



Tensions remain high in the Solent region today following the detection of a balloon flying over the island.


An Isle of Wight Department of Home Defence spokesperson briefed reporters.


“Yesterday our Advanced Early Warning System – Cowes Neighbourhood Watch – reported an object subsequently identified as a balloon illegally entering our airspace. It was tracked as it travelled inland, passing over a number of sensitive garden centres and charity shops sowing panic and confusion amongst the (mostly elderly) customers.


We debated whether to shoot it down but there was concern that this might cause collateral damage when it landed. Unfortunately also none of our weapons could reach the great height at which the balloon was flying – estimated to be well in excess of 100 feet.


The issue was eventually resolved when the string underneath the balloon got tangled in the branches of a conker tree just outside Shanklin. After a lengthy health and safety risk analysis, leading fireman Barney McGrew of the Island Fire & Rescue Service volunteered to climb the tree and retrieve it.


The balloon is now under investigation in our forensic laboratory. It has a picture of an evil-looking character with a name of Ronald McDonald. We suspect this has something to do with the power struggle underway on the mainland within the People’s Republic of Hampshire. We have already made a formal complaint about this provocative action to their ambassador.”


A People’s Republic of Hampshire spokesperson responded.


“The peace-loving People’s Republic utterly denies this outrageous slur. The research balloon was accidently released by a young party member outside one of our healthy and nutritious proletariat street canteens. We shall utterly crush the capitalist lackeys, hyenas and running dogs of the illegal breakaway Isle of Wight in due course. We plan to mobilise our invincible armed forces to invade – once we have bought the ferry tickets and the railway strikes are settled."

image from pixabay



First published 6 Feb 2023


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N. Ireland Assembly breaks up in acrimonious tea/coffee row




The Northern Ireland Assembly, which only today resumed business after a two year hiatus, has unfortunately broken up again in a row about whether members should be served tea or coffee during debates.


'My community has enjoyed the Great British cup of tea for generations,' bellowed Dr Ian Wingnut of the Demented Unstable Party. 'If my legitimate and peaceful demand for tea is not met, there will be violent reprisals.'


'Tea is a British imperialist imposition and my community utterly rejects it,' snarled Spuddy Spud McSpudderson of the Definitely No Links To Terrorists Party. 'Give me coffee - preferably a decaf latte, no sugar - or give me death.'


At this point, Fionnula Sandalista of the centrist Alliance party suggested that perhaps members could choose whether they preferred tea or coffee on an individual basis. This was immediately denounced as "drift" and 'moral relativism' by both the main parties.


The situation was almost resolved when the caretaker announced that power to the building was cut off during the hiatus and hadn’t been restored yet, so hot drinks of any kind were impossible. He offered to nip out to a coffee shop for them, only for the assembly to break up in an acrimonious row about whether they preferred Caffè Nero or Costa.




First published 5 Feb 2024


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Tory right torn between destroying economy and making people miserable



The right wing of the Tory party is arguing about the next "big idea" for the country. Jacob Rees-Mogg has proposed raising the retirement age to 97, legalising work for the under 3s and reopening coal mines, "not for the coal, but for the LOLZ".


Lord Frost disagrees with Mogg's idea. "It's been claimed that my last wheeze is costing the country £100bn a year, but I think we can do better than that. If we make retirement age below the school leaving age, then the entire country grinds to a halt in a year and I think we can make that per week. Now, that would be an achievement."


John Redwood has proposed a zero rate income tax combined with a maximum wage "for plebs" of £0 per hour, with a 10% bonus for weekends.

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First published 4 Feb 2023


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