top of page
Search

Rees-Mogg accused of being double agent for Protestants

ree

Animatronic wankstain Jacob Rees-Mogg has been accused of bringing Catholicism into disrepute by the Association of Nonce Priests.


Father Dominic is a Catholic priest. Well he would be, with a name like that. ‘We’ve suspected Rees-Mogg of being an undercover Protestant for some time’, he told NewsBiscuit. ‘The man is obviously trying to discredit Catholicism. I mean, some of us are kiddie-fiddlers and even we think he steps over the line, that’s how bad it is.


‘This week he told viewers on his TV programme to say the rosary in Latin if they want rewards in this life and the next. That’s the kind of mumbo-jumbo horseshit you’d expect from a Hollywood screenwriter who’s never seen a Catholic. He’ll be walking round with a sharpened wooden stake and some garlic next’.


NewsBiscuit asked Mr Rees-Mogg for a comment but he just gave us a patronising smile and made the Sign of the Cross before vanishing in a puff of sulphurous smoke. So, mixed messages really.


image from pixabay



First published 2 Dec 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



Second Coming set for Christmas as UK populated by infidels


ree

A recent Census report shows a dramatic drop in Christians and a sharp rise soulless ne'er-do-wells. Most of the UK identifies as fornicating heathens, with a penchant for watching the footy on a Sunday. A Fallen One remarked: ‘It’s alright being an infidel. I get to stay up late, wear odd socks and have extra sugar with my tea’.


‘I thought it was about time he did the rounds again as it’s been about 1,992 years,’ said the Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘With the advent of social media people want new, jazzy content and that’s quite challenging when your only material is from 1200 BC.


‘In discussion with God, we thought Christmas would be the perfect timing for the second coming as a nice call back to the Bethlehem days. Unfortunately, he’s missed the Christmas lights switch-ons in most towns, which would’ve been a great PR op, but we’re confident we can drum-up excitement when he arrives - get a few miracles going over an ‘insta-live’.’


Billy Reed, a student from Reading who answered ‘atheist’ on the Census 2021, said: ‘Who’s Jesus? Is he friends with Kanye West?’


His girlfriend, who identified as ‘spiritual’ in the questionnaire, said: ‘So Father Xmas is real! Does this mean he’s actually going to come down our chimney? I need to get that on TikTok.’


Missionaries are to be sent to the UK, to bring the unbelievers back into the faith, using the power of free Easter eggs. The Archbishop of Canterbury has threatened to burn Jedis at the stake. While the Pope has ordered a crusade against anyone who likes Heavy Metal.


God commented: ‘To be fair, I stopped believing in the UK years ago’.


Author: clare,

H/T: Wrenfoe



First published 1 Dec 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



Nigeria in talks with UK for return of Rees-Mogg


ree

Following recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.


Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water


In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset where he enjoyed a brief career as a performer in a local music hall, singing sea shanties and Victorian love ditties in a high falsetto while riding back and forth across the stage on a penny-farthing bicycle.


He then entered politics and became the Conservative member for East Somerset and more recently the Minister For Brexit Opportunities.


After failing to find any, he asked to be returned to the museum where he remains in the basement, awaiting restoration work on his knees and monocle.


A museum spokesman told newsmen last night: 'We realise that Jacob may have been looted so we are very much open to returning him to Nigeria.


'Let them pay for his kedgeree breakfasts and monthly subscription to Mature Nannies In Suspenders.'


In 1947, the museum successfully fought off an action to return Ann Widdecombe to the United States after they claimed she had been looted from The House of Grotesques on Coney Island by drunken matelots from HMS Bulwark in 1870.




First published 30 Nov 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree





bottom of page