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Rare unsigned copy of draft Brexit Deal to be auctioned off


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The Trade Agreement Collector's world is reeling from the news that a rare copy of a draft of a Brexit deal which hadn't been signed by Boris Johnson as been found down the back of a sofa in the Reception area of a Specsavers, believed to be in Barnard Castle.


"These types of document come to light very infrequently, as they are usually shredded, but in this instance this slim volume appears to have found it's way out of Whitehall" said Chief Auctioneer, Willoughby Land. "It is also interesting in that many of the headings were prototypes of what were in the final documents - such as "Yeah, yeah we'll do that", "Sod the Fishermen", "Who needs Lorry Drivers anyway, they're all filthy oiks", and "TAX Havens", with most followed by a simple bullet point "whatever".


Asked if the sale has garnered much interest Mr Land replied "Yes, of course, it'll go for a fortune, as it turns out that the signed copies are worthless".


image pixabay/succo




First published 15 Oct 2021


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X Factor winners' reunion bash cancelled due to clerical cock-up


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It's understood an X Factor Winners' reunion bash, scheduled for December at London's swanky Dorchester hotel, had to be cancelled due to a clerical cock-up.


The glitzy party to honour all winners of the fourteen seasons since 2004 came unstuck when organisers realised they only had contact details for a few of the stars. A spokesman for Simon Cowell's Syco company said: 'Yeah, it's a shame really. It was going to be a helluva a night until we realised there were just about three we could get hold of and they were all busy.


When asked who had actually been invited the spokesman said: 'Now, let's see. Obviously we asked Will, but he was busy, then Leona, erm... she was washing her hair and of course we sent 1D at least 10 emails but got no response.


'Then we discovered something rather odd. We checked the contact details we held for all contestants for every season, but the files had been mysteriously wiped. That was probably a mistake made by an office temp.


'So we put ads in all the mags and asked around the biz, but no one knew any of them. That's a surprise cos like in season seven there was... oh... you remember... whazztheirname? Thingy... he/she/they might've had the Christmas number one that year... wait... it'll come to me... ooh...'


It's understood the plug was finally pulled when previous contestants Jedward and Wagner somehow got wind of the event and tried to blag an invite.


image pixabay/BEP




First published 14 Oct 2021


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Mathematicians resolve 5-a-side teams to 11 versus minus 1


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A group of mathematics students trying to organise a game of 5-a-side have resolved the equation of player distribution into eleven against minus one, despite the solution being in the name of the game.


Second-year student Oliver Jaunt, commented: “Putting five players on each team logically cancelled each other out, effectively leaving the product of players as zero. This didn’t match the empirical evidence of there being ten of us waiting to play. Plus, it was getting cold, sugar levels were dropping, and four players needed a wee.


“We experimented by having the players line-up with legs astride the halfway line, wherein everyone could play quantumly for both teams at the same time, as long as they weren’t observed out of position.


“This worked as elegant mathematical symmetry. But, because nobody moved they were both onside and offside simultaneously, incurring yellow cards and subsequently getting sent off, which upset some players.


“To resolve the problem we borrowed a negative player for one side and added an imaginary player to the other which served as a functioning solution to how we could have a multi-player kickabout without reducing numbers to zero, and sobbing.


“Once the proof was submitted for review, we had run out of time on the pitch. So we had snacks, juice and another wee, then designed a computer program to simulate the match.



“It was thrilling, the game finished y+(x/x2) to minus nil. We’re playing Rugby 7s tomorrow”


First published 3 April 2023




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