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Zahawi ‘feels foolish’ after failing to notice bags of gold strewn about his house



Conservative Party chairman and all-round good guy Nadhim Zahawi has spoken about his embarrassment over the ‘schoolboy errors’ which led him to pay several million less in tax than was due.


“To be honest, those bags of bullion have been lying around the house for ages”, he told reporters. “I remembered to count the jewels, the diamond mines, the various companies etc, but after a while you just tune out gold. I don’t know why. I suppose it’s just an everyday thing. Bloody hurts when you stub your toe on an ingot, that’s for sure!”


Mean-spirited Labour politicians have called for the former (checks notes) Chancellor of the Exchequer to resign, arguing that he really should have known, to the nearest million, how much he owed in taxes. Supporters of ‘regular guy’ Zahawi have pointed out that funnelling shares to offshore tax havens isn’t illegal unless you get caught.


Mr Zahawi is philosophical about the additional payments to HMRC. "I can just turn up the thermostat on my stables and recoup any losses that way", he explained.





First published 23 Jan 2022


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Why Do Only Fools and Prime Ministers Smirk!



Stick a pony in me pocket,

I'll fetch the Suitcase from the van.

Cos if you want the best wines

And you don't ask questions,

Then Boris, I'm your man.

Cos where it all comes from is a mystery,

It could be the Co Op, Aldi or even Sainsbury's

It's like the changin' of their reasons,

And the U turns of their Policies

But here's the one that's drivin' me beserk,

Why do only Fools and Prime Ministers SMIRK!

La-la-la

La-lala-la

La-la-la

La-lala-la.

God bless Downing Street,

Viva Downing Street,

Long live Downing Street,

Drinking ‘ Clink Clink ‘ in Downing Street,

Down Ya Neck in Downing Street,

Drinking Street…..




First published 22 Jan 2022


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Keir Starmer decides best way to distinguish Labour from the Tories is to recruit their defecting MP



WESTMINSTER, LONDON – The leader of the Labour Party, Sir Keir Starmer, dramatically announced this afternoon that he believes the foremost way to differentiate his party from the Conservatives is by welcoming their MPs to his benches with open arms.


“What finer way can there be to prove we are an entirely different beast to the government, than by accepting their ex-MPs as our own without a second thought?” asked Starmer, foolishly using up one of his six enquiries at Prime Minister’s Questions.


“The Labour Party would lead the country in an unrecognisable fashion from Boris Johnson’s rabble, as you can clearly see from our poaching of someone who voted for all his policies.”


Starmer’s revelation came as Christian Wakeford, MP for Bury South, dramatically crossed the floor of the House of Commons to join his new colleagues in the opposition ranks, sewing discomfort and awkwardness as he settled in with his union jack facemask.


“This is far easier than electing candidates of our own,” opined the Leader of the Opposition.


Prime Minister Johnson seemed unruffled by Wakeford’s departure, merely vowing to “bury the Honourable Member, and send his career south. Chortle, chortle. Good one, Boris. That should keep the plebs off my back for a bit.”


Starmer continued, “I would also like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch across the aisle to all other political turncoats. There is nothing we in the Labour Party value more than a hearty round of infighting, followed by an evening of treachery and backstabbing. Welcome aboard Judas – I mean, Christian. You’ll fit right in.”


“These politicians, mate. They’re all the same – can’t trust any of them,” observed a man on the street.


At press time, Angela Rayner was being restrained by the entire shadow cabinet after threatening to “deck” the “Tory scum” now sitting directly behind her.





First published 21 Jan 2022


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