EastEnders - the opera

The English National Opera's flagship show for 2025 will be 'EastEnders - The Opera'.

The ENO is responding to criticism that opera is too poncey, and isn't accessible to red wall voters. The new show will be sung in English, or a version of it. 'It will be just as screechy as traditional operas, but 'Stenders fans know to expect that,' said a spokesman. 'It's not dumbing down, it's being more relatable.'

'We hope that this exciting and innovative new show will attract a new generation of opera goers. The storyline will include drinks, drugs, affairs, gays, violence, death, incest and necrophilia - just like traditional opera.'

The performance will also include more audience participation (oh yes it will).   Traditionalists will need to steel themselves for rowdy singalongs and possibly for a spot of fighting in the stalls.   Audiences will be reminded to show their appreciation at the end by throwing flowers and not bottles.

The ENO hopes that the show can pave the way to restoring its arts council funding, which was slashed in 2023, as the new show will be even more expensive than a traditional opera. Leading singers from overseas will require dialogue coaches and Albert Square will be recreated on stage down to the finest detail. The famous cockney Dick Van Dyke will take a cameo role in some performances.

Regional arts bodies have criticised the plan.  They say that performances in cockney will be just as impenetrable as Italian, German or French to audiences outside Italy, Germany and France.  They argue that art council funding should support operas in Scouse, Cornish, Geordie and Brummie instead.

Picture credit: Wix AI

USA looks forward to golden age of artistic rebellion

On the premise that the most chaotic and turbulent times produce the greatest art, the US is bracing itself for a creative explosion during the second Trump term - alongside a few actual bombs. The coming years promise a feast of film, music and poetry, and maybe even the discovery of a rhyme for 'orange'.

In America alone, the sixties counter cultural revolution took place against a backdrop of the Vietnam War, while the Reagan 80s saw hip hop become a global force. In the UK the 80s saw the Specials and the Smiths. In Africa, the most successful pop music innovation came from military-era Nigeria, Mobutu's Zaire and apartheid South Africa. While in Europe, the last days of the Iron Curtain produced - well, it works most of the time.

Still, many established artistes are not happy. The fear of a wave of righteously angry newcomers revolutionising the nation's cultural industries is believed to be why so many Hollywood stars opposed Trump. Said one studio mogul, 'I can take half the stars leaving - as if - believe me, I'd be happy to see them go. But please tell me that having a President who's been shot at doesn't mean I have to start taking Oliver Stone's phone calls again!'

Image by Douglas Gustafson from Pixabay

Tate to charge £400k to throw food at art works

The Tate Gallery is offering a new service for art lovers, art haters and protestors. For a fee of £400,000 (+VAT) you can throw food, paint, excrement or whatever you like, at an art work of your choice. There will be a discount for regular bookings and a pay-by-instalments plan will be available. The gallery will arrange everything for you, including a live stream of the performance, if required.

A spokesman said, 'We are seeking to manage art protestors in a more proactive way. These arrangements will avoid schedule clashes between protest groups, and we will ensure that damage to the artworks is minimised. The Tate will also benefit if the protest increases the value of the art work. A defaced work of art could easily win the Turner Prize, for example.   And the fees will help us to protect our collection and acquire new work.  And the publicity is always useful.

'One important reason for introducing the new service, and the new fee, is that it will enable us to recover damages from art protestors who haven't paid.   We will argue in court that any unauthorised protest deprives us of the fee, and we will take aggressive action to recover it.   If this puts off protestors, or sends them elsewhere, then so be it.

Image: Mollyroselee - Pixabay

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