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Coastal water skulking by British shoreline trying to point out illegal Nigel Farages


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Coastal water won't give it a rest until it has definitely spotted illegal Nigel Farages invading the British shoreline.


'I'm here every day protecting the English Channel and the rest of the world from illegal Nigel Farages,' said the coastal water. 'You saw my poster. There are millions of Nigel Farages who will swarm into Turkey, Romania and Bulgaria if something isn't done about them.


'Look. Look! There's one now! Quick! Get 'im! Before he makes a break for it... oh no, that's just a lifeguard. They're OK. Well, most of 'em.


'I was just up the Kent coast last week, and I saw one of those illegal Suella Bravermans. They can be even worse, you know. They've all got this dream, see, that one day the Telegraph will print a front page of them illegally trafficking people on a flight to Rwanda.


'And once, right, my mates spotted an illegal Priti Patel. But they pushed her back onto the shoreline and beached her.'


H/T: apepper



"Owl" and "Pussycat" to be deported


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A foreign couple who landed in a small boat were arrested yesterday at Bong Tree Beach. The pair, who only identified themselves as 'Owl' and 'Pussycat' are now expected to be deported to the Great Gromboolian Plain, as part of the Government getting tough on small boat refugees.


'I knew they weren’t from round here', said Pig, a local resident. 'They jumped out of their small boat on the beach and ran up to me, waving wildly, pointing at my nose, with their hands full of cash. Well, lots of people have nose rings these days, even F1 drivers, and that’s when I got suspicious and called the authorities. They tried to spin some story about having been at sea for a year and only eating honey but I wasn’t falling for it. I’m tired of this island being a soft touch for all kinds of foreigners. Call me "gammon" if you like.'


Police noted this appeared to be a much better organised migration than other recent attempts, such as that by the so-called 'Jumblies', whose craft they described as 'seriously unseaworthy'.




Lilo enthusiast deported under new 'small boat' law


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Selsey lilo enthusiast Dave Hexham has been deported to Rwanda as part of the Government crackdown on small boat asylum seekers.


Mr. Hexham, out for his usual Saturday morning paddle, was approached by members of the Border Protection Force as he tried to land. When quizzed, he was unable to produce any identity documents and was promptly detained for processing under the new legislation.


His wife commented 'Bloody idiot! I always said that his stupid lilo obsession would get him in trouble. Now I suppose I shall have to drive up to Rowehander to pick him up from the Detention Centre - isn't that near Swindon?'


When informed that he was actually in Rwanda, Mrs. Hexham vocalised a small 'whoop' and fist-bumped the air. 'Pillock! Serves him right'


When asked about the incident, a spokesman for the Border Protection Force said 'Alas, the so-called Mr. Hexham, without any means of identification, falls directly into the category of undesirables this legislation was designed to catch, and we had no choice but to act. The fact that he repeatedly called us "jumped-up bellends", "pocket-Hitlers", and "fascist jobsworths" has in no way prejudiced his treatment'


'Now, if you can excuse me, I am off to "console" a Mrs. Hexham whose husband has apparently "gone missing" '




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