Asylum seekers relieved to be spared Pontins

The decision by Sefton council to not house asylum seekers in a disused Pontins camp has been applauded. 'Haven't they suffered enough, already?' asked one member of the public. Another recounted how he, his wife and 12 year old daughter had spent a 'fortnight trapped in the Prestatyn Pontins camp one weekend' several years ago, admitting he'd 'rather have an annual holiday bobbing up and down on the English Channel on a li-lo with fifteen migrants all summer' rather than return to Pontins.

A Pontins spokesman responded by saying the refugees have missed out on terminal bingo every evening and some of the rarest entertainment in the UK by the decision. When quizzed about the statement concerning rarest entertainment he pointed out that 'practically none of our acts are ever seen again. If that isn't a definition of rare, I don't know what is.'

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Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple

Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.

'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.

Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.

'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.

Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.

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UK to fix broken asylum system, once it stops breaking it

The Home Secretary was clear, the last 30 years of screwing around with immigration, was just the beginning. 'The only way to a mend a thing, is to destroy it. You can't make an omelette without breaking some human rights.

'If anything, we need to smash it some more, we haven't hit rock bottom yet. We propose to restrict asylum to leap years, only. Applicants will have to pass a basic criteria - they must have a second cousin called Rufus, be able to quote from Pliny the Elder, name all the members of the Justice League and can whistle the tune to the Dambusters - backwards.

'We've 4,000 people crammed into a processing centre designed for 1,600 - but that just proves how popular our system is. We just need a few more tweaks and we can have a functioning version of Battle Royale.'

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