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"Owl" and "Pussycat" to be deported



A foreign couple who landed in a small boat were arrested yesterday at Bong Tree Beach. The pair, who only identified themselves as 'Owl' and 'Pussycat' are now expected to be deported to the Great Gromboolian Plain, as part of the Government getting tough on small boat refugees.


'I knew they weren’t from round here', said Pig, a local resident. 'They jumped out of their small boat on the beach and ran up to me, waving wildly, pointing at my nose, with their hands full of cash. Well, lots of people have nose rings these days, even F1 drivers, and that’s when I got suspicious and called the authorities. They tried to spin some story about having been at sea for a year and only eating honey but I wasn’t falling for it. I’m tired of this island being a soft touch for all kinds of foreigners. Call me "gammon" if you like.'


Police noted this appeared to be a much better organised migration than other recent attempts, such as that by the so-called 'Jumblies', whose craft they described as 'seriously unseaworthy'.




Lilo enthusiast deported under new 'small boat' law



Selsey lilo enthusiast Dave Hexham has been deported to Rwanda as part of the Government crackdown on small boat asylum seekers.


Mr. Hexham, out for his usual Saturday morning paddle, was approached by members of the Border Protection Force as he tried to land. When quizzed, he was unable to produce any identity documents and was promptly detained for processing under the new legislation.


His wife commented 'Bloody idiot! I always said that his stupid lilo obsession would get him in trouble. Now I suppose I shall have to drive up to Rowehander to pick him up from the Detention Centre - isn't that near Swindon?'


When informed that he was actually in Rwanda, Mrs. Hexham vocalised a small 'whoop' and fist-bumped the air. 'Pillock! Serves him right'


When asked about the incident, a spokesman for the Border Protection Force said 'Alas, the so-called Mr. Hexham, without any means of identification, falls directly into the category of undesirables this legislation was designed to catch, and we had no choice but to act. The fact that he repeatedly called us "jumped-up bellends", "pocket-Hitlers", and "fascist jobsworths" has in no way prejudiced his treatment'


'Now, if you can excuse me, I am off to "console" a Mrs. Hexham whose husband has apparently "gone missing" '




Asylum seekers relieved to be spared Pontins



The decision by Sefton council to not house asylum seekers in a disused Pontins camp has been applauded. 'Haven't they suffered enough, already?' asked one member of the public. Another recounted how he, his wife and 12 year old daughter had spent a 'fortnight trapped in the Prestatyn Pontins camp one weekend' several years ago, admitting he'd 'rather have an annual holiday bobbing up and down on the English Channel on a li-lo with fifteen migrants all summer' rather than return to Pontins.


A Pontins spokesman responded by saying the refugees have missed out on terminal bingo every evening and some of the rarest entertainment in the UK by the decision. When quizzed about the statement concerning rarest entertainment he pointed out that 'practically none of our acts are ever seen again. If that isn't a definition of rare, I don't know what is.'



image from pixabay

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