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BAFTAs to Replace Gendered Acting Plaudits with 'Best Mortal Kombat Film'


In a major change in voting regulations in next year's BAFTA Film Awards, the academy are merging Best Actor in a Leading Role and Best Actress in a Leading Role into one award honouring Mortal Kombat II.


A BAFTA spokesperson said: 'I am sick of the debate about separating performers based on gender identity. If I have to read any more op-eds about JK Rowling or Ricky Gervais' backward attempts at relevancy, I am going to smelt the Adapted Screenplay statue onto my own face so I can't read them.'


When asked if it was possible to quantify the quality of Ethan Hawke's chameleonic turn in Blue Moon against Renate Reinsve's searing portrayal of familial neglect in Sentimental Value, the spokesperson replied:


'The only time I've been able to dodge discourse this year is seeing Karl Urban fight with a laser-powered Australian. And it was f***ing fantastic.'


Image: WixAI

Awards shows wary after incident at BAFTAs


Taking their cue from an ugly and embarrassing incident at the British Academy Film and Television Awards (BAFTA), where an audience member shouted a racial slur, producers of several upcoming media awards shows are taking extra precautions to avoid a repeat at their events.


John Amos, a producer for the Skinhead FilmFest, said, ‘As we are always conscious of our image, we will be taking all necessary measures to ensure an incident-free, family-friendly show. Security will be tighter than usual.’


The Independent Documentary Film Awards is aware they face special challenges this year. Their Press Officer said, ‘We have films up for awards about serial exhibitionists, and a first-person POV biopic about compulsive masturbation. We don’t want to detract from the dignity of the ceremony with any untoward behaviour, so for the first time we are considering not having a live audience. Or live presenters or acceptors.’


Asked for a comment about precautions they are taking to avoid possible racist comments during their 2026 Film Hoodie Awards Show, a spokesman for the Ku Klux Klan said they would keep in place their ‘usual standards and practices while defending free speech.’


A spokesman for the neo-Nazi media awards show, The Reich Stuff, said they did not plan any additional security measures. ‘Our crowds always know how to behave themselves when representing their heritage,’ the spokesman said. ‘Good breeding always shows out.’


The BBC said they were reviewing their risk management protocols and were still deciding whether they would air these shows live or on a five second, five minute or five day delay.



Image credit: Wix AI

"Zadok the Priest" in line for Ivor Novello award



George Frideric Handel could win a prestigious songwriting award, a mere 296 years after the song was released.


The composer’s “Zadok the Priest”, written in 1727 for George IV’s coronation, has experienced a major resurgence in popularity, in the run up to Charles III’s coronation. It's now been shortlisted in the "most performed song" category at the Ivor Novello Awards, which celebrate outstanding writing and composition.


Government Minister for Antediluvian Nostalgia, Jacob Rees-Mogg, said, “I am delighted with such a choice which celebrates both British ingenuity and mercantile success”. However, this statement was later withdrawn when it was pointed out that Handel was a German immigrant and that the lyrics mentioned “Nathan the Prophet”, not “Profit”.


Attempts to contact Mr Handel’s ghost have been hampered by a shortage of Ouija boards, which have been commandeered by Government for the next round of the budget cycle.



First published 22 April 2023


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