Donald Trump – the new Emperor King

Many countries have figured out that Donald Trump loves to be flattered, and that it puts him in a good mood.  Less likely to impose tariffs, slag you off, invade, or send JD Vance to visit.  That sort of thing.

And many countries are also keen to avoid devaluing their honours systems by polluting them with The Donald.  So they are making up honours to award to the US President.  They know he doesn’t care about this, as long as there is an Instagrammable awards ceremony with some dignitaries, flags, military bands, movie stars and a procession. Ideally, all of the above.

So, France has bestowed on Donald Trump a shiny medal confirming that he is now a Champignon D'Honeur, one of the country’s highest, and tastiest, awards.  Belgium has presented him with the newly minted, but still highly coveted, Tintin award for bravery in the face of adverse media. 

Britain is to make the US President a LOBE (Legend of the British Empire). And in the world of fiction - which is one of Donald’s favourite places - he is to be awarded the Wisest of Wise Wizards award, which will be presented by Professor Dumbassdore of Hogwash University. 

This is all very childish, but if you take it all very seriously, then Trump will too.  It’s also a very cheap way to earn kudos with the President.  All for the cost of a shiny medal, a big silver trophy or a sparkly certificate.

Everyone’s doing it.  Even the uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands are getting in on the act.  Despite the imposition of huge tariffs earlier this year, the penguins say that they understand that the tariffs are largely symbolic and have no impact in the real world.  Accordingly, they have voted to make Donald Trump their King Penguin of 2025.  Long live the King!

hat-tip Titus

Cucumber raita narrowly misses out on literary award

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Car mechanic given award says 'Won’t be this week'

A car mechanic, told he’d been nominated for an Outstanding Customer Service award by members of the public, sucked air through his teeth, shook his head and said, 'Won’t be this week.' 

“We’re totally chocka,” said Dave Gravel of Won’t-Be-This-Week Auto Repairs, Under The Arches, Woolwich, before calling through to the workshop. 'Steve, you done that Audi yet?' When Steve replied that he had not, in fact, done that Audi yet, Gravel added, 'You're lookin’ at week o’ the 17th, earliest. Oh ‘ang on, thassa bank ‘oliday, innit…'

When a mutually convenient time was finally agreed and Gravel was given the award, he examined it from every angle, sucked air through his teeth, shook his head and said, 'Oo done this then?

'Bleedin’ deaftrap this is. Dunno ‘ow they sleep nights.  Reckon they get a rake off from the undertaker.'

Gravel went on to say he could 'sort it' for them for five hundred squid. 'Or five faazend, if iss an insurance job.

'But it won’t be this week.'

Image credit: Stable diffusion