The energy crisis has been resolved with a small tweak to a TV programme format. Viewers can now look forward to the Great British Microwaved Pot Noodle-Off.
Through a thick fog of smug, a government spokeswoman added, 'It's a two birds with one overbaked rock cake scenario. We've also solved the national food waste problem.'
Updated: Dec 12, 2021
A single woman in her 20s has shocked family, friends and work colleagues alike by admitting she doesn't like Ru Paul's Drag Race.
Simone Phillips, 28, an accountant from Ledbury, posted on Facebook "Ru Paul's Drag Race? What's the point? What a joke! It's just men in frocks. LOL".
Within seconds of her posting this, she was inundated with U OK huns, deluged with You been kidnapped and quite a few WTF sistas.
She had already continued with: "Misters who wanna be sisters! WTAF!!! LOL" when the responses started to get darker and even threatening. She has now been trolled by, and received threats of violence from former friends, strangers, and Russian bots, who are also trying to convince her to join the Labour Party, watch Bake Off and sign up to Gousto.
A spokesperson for the syndication company told us: " That Simone, she ain't all that. She's not special. She's just jeal-ous. Yeah. Jealous!"
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/engin_akyurt-3656355/
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The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.
Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.
New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.
Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.
BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.
Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’
Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’
