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Retired Colonel hides erection with copy of Daily Telegraph as Nigella joins Bake Off


A BBC spokes-cake said 'Prue Leith has defected, presumably to join Reform, so set your oven to gas mark phwoar, we've got Nigella Lawson as her replacement. We wanted another woman with impeccably Tory-adjacent credentials to judge what is essentially a village fete gone rogue. Nigella's contract says she must pronounce the word microwave differently in every episode. More tea, vicar?'


One retired Colonel coughed awkwardly and made a noise like an uneasy horse before braying 'Will Nigella be covering herself in lashings of butter cream every week? Whipping her meringues into stiff peaks? She makes my gingerbread snap... to attention that is. Ohhhh - nurse, it's happened again - a soggy bottom.'


He continued 'Mind you, if it came to it, I'd probably give Paul Hollywood a firm... err... handshake.'



Suella Braverman to join the Great British Break Off


From our correspondent in the snug of the Dirty Duck.


'There is general uproar here, as I text this report. It's Dodgy Dave's birthday, and he's been buying rounds since the pub opened. From what I can hear off the telly, in a surprise move Suella Braverman has been signed up to join Great British Break Off. The 'reality' show where people come to try out half-baked ideas in the Reform tent. 


'Recent entrants have been Robert Jenrick with his Blackout Cake. He was unable to remember anything he said or did before 15th January. A week ealier it was Nadim Zahawi with his Chocolate Fudge Cake. Very rich but who's counting the pounds? Last year included Nadine Dorries with her Nutty Meringue Cake - well beaten till fluffy and with a hard shell


'In other news, Nigella Lawson has joined the Reform Party.


(You're fired. Ed.)


Image: Lockjaw



Woman in her 20s 'doesn't like Drag Race'


A single woman in her 20s has shocked family, friends and work colleagues alike by admitting she doesn't like Ru Paul's Drag Race.


Simone Phillips, 28, an accountant from Ledbury, posted on Facebook "Ru Paul's Drag Race? What's the point? What a joke! It's just men in frocks. LOL".


Within seconds of her posting this, she was inundated with U OK huns, deluged with You been kidnapped and quite a few WTF sistas.


She had already continued with: "Misters who wanna be sisters! WTAF!!! LOL" when the responses started to get darker and even threatening. She has now been trolled by, and received threats of violence from former friends, strangers, and Russian bots, who are also trying to convince her to join the Labour Party, watch Bake Off and sign up to Gousto.


A spokesperson for the syndication company told us: " That Simone, she ain't all that. She's not special. She's just jeal-ous. Yeah. Jealous!"






First published 1 Nov 2021


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