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Retired Colonel hides erection with copy of Daily Telegraph as Nigella joins Bake Off


A BBC spokes-cake said 'Prue Leith has defected, presumably to join Reform, so set your oven to gas mark phwoar, we've got Nigella Lawson as her replacement. We wanted another woman with impeccably Tory-adjacent credentials to judge what is essentially a village fete gone rogue. Nigella's contract says she must pronounce the word microwave differently in every episode. More tea, vicar?'


One retired Colonel coughed awkwardly and made a noise like an uneasy horse before braying 'Will Nigella be covering herself in lashings of butter cream every week? Whipping her meringues into stiff peaks? She makes my gingerbread snap... to attention that is. Ohhhh - nurse, it's happened again - a soggy bottom.'


He continued 'Mind you, if it came to it, I'd probably give Paul Hollywood a firm... err... handshake.'



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