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Bank protests after man refuses to open account with them


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A bank, which cannot be named for legal reasons, has issued a formal complaint that a potential customer is refusing to deposit any money with them. In a statement made to the BBC, the bank claimed that 'He clearly had a problem, for some reason, with us providing banking services to various dodgy overseas customers based in the Cayman Isles, Russia and Belarus, Sicily, Myanmar, North Korea, plus a few Nigerian Princes as well as funding several arms companies making chemical and biological weapons. If he only knew some of our worst clients are in the City of London.'


'Load of bollocks' said Robert Cratchett 'I simply hadn't got enough money to make it worth opening a bank account anywhere. I have offered the bank my resignation.'


First Coutts is the deepest - high end banking is 'hotbed of Marxism'


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Former stockbroker and Cameo’s Irish Republican spokesman Nigel Farage has bravely blown the whistle on the extreme left-wing cabal currently running the high end banking sector.


'It’s like Paris 1968 only more so' admitted one wealth fund manager, who unironically wore a Che Guevara t-shirt. 'Eat the rich. But not Nigel Farage. He isn’t rich enough, probably because Brexit made everyone poorer. What an absolutely extraordinary coincidence. There was no way to predict that, apart from almost every economist who predicted exactly that. We need to redistribute the wealth, man. And by redistribute the wealth I mean give more to the rich.'


Farage is said to have responded to his banking 'win' by wobbling his jowls in celebration, ordering a Guinness, and shouting "Up the 'Ra".




Banks: F**k around meets find out


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With less oversight than a FIFA spa day and more dirty practices than an OnlyFans account, the banking sector is awash with unethical activity. The result has been repeated crashes and more short selling than a cub-scout jumble sale.


As capitalism teeters on the edge of armageddon and the last season of the Walking Dead, bankers play Russian roulette with our savings. Confessed one banker: 'I'm sooo bored. Do you think people would notice if I set everyone's head on fire?'


One bank collapse could trigger a domino effect, where the last legal tender will be Monopoly money. The banker said: 'Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Now excuse me, I need to stick this fork into an electrical socket'.





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