Matt Hancock’s mate from down the pub to run the BBC

The same bloke awarded a massive £530m contract for making Covid test kits in the function hire room of his pub has hit the jackpot again by being given the entire BBC.

'It's fantastic news,' said Matt Hancock's mate and new BBC chairman, Terry White. 'To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, so it's a bit like being given the special Covid crony contract all over again. I didn't have a clue what I was doing with that, and I don't have that much experience of running a multi-million-pound corporation. Still, if it makes me a shed load of cash, who gives, right?'

'I'll probably blow a load of money on a new series of Top Gear, with yours truly, Dan who used to work at Kwik-Fit and Keith across the road who has huge sub-woofers tied to his roof rack. Viewers can rest assured that all the female news presenters and weather girls are up to scratch and wearing age-appropriate swimwear. All that serious news bollocks will be binned, along with anything 'edgy' or 'creative', and Attenborough is out on his ear. I've already awarded myself six British Academy TV awards, and now I'm looking forward to putting in a sealed bid for British Gas. Me and the wife think £25.00 should cover it.'

Barman Green Drinks - Free photo on Pixabay

First published 18 Jan 2022

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Man volunteers to be “fat stomach” on BBC news

An out of work actor has suggested he would make an excellent “fat stomach” to be shown on the BBC News whenever they cover a story about obesity.

Colin Sandwich, who says his corpulence has prevented him having the acting career he might have, feels he would be ideal for this role.

”I was never gonna be Mr Darcy, I know that,” said Sandwich today. “I mean, who’d pay to see this wadin’ out of a lake in a clingy wet shirt? I wouldn’t wanna see it meself.

”But illustratin’ risin’ rates of diabetes, the cost to the NHS of weight loss drugs, or whatever? I’m there. Show me the doughnuts.

”And frankly issa disgrace the way the BBC just film random fat people in a shoppin’ centre. Thass takin’ work away from trained professionals, that is. No wonder I can’t make a livin’.”

However his wife Jeanette Sandwich pleaded with the BBC not to hire him for this, saying his only motivation is to be able to claim junk food as a business expense. 

“Believe it or not, I cook him healthy meals all the time. Which he eats, and then goes and has a McDonalds afterwards. It’s only gonna get worse if the junk food’s basically free.”

image from pixabay

Musk is getting too much attention, says man who won’t shut up about him

Keir Starmer has sensibly decided to take the bait, marked ‘bait’, clearly lowered on a big fishing rod by Baity McBaitface. This is a new version of the Streisand Effect, is where Starmer inadvertently amplifies a topic he wants to be quietened – reaching a point where Barbara Streisand is forced to tell him to STFU. Sadly, Elon Musk has successfully trolled the PM and provoked him into devoting an entire press conference as to why Elon was mean to him and made him cry.

The old adage ‘Never Argue with a Man Who Buys Ink by the Barrel’ also applies to billionaires who own Twitter. The BBC helpfully ran it thousandth story this week, about how Musk should be stopped from dominating the media. An aide declared: ‘The Prime Minister is now going to schedule a rebuttal for every time someone on the Internet says something bad about him. Expect his next Press conference to take 200 hours to complete.’

Picture credit: Wix AI