The Schools Minister has told Newsbiscuit that no other government in the world has identified more crumbling schools in danger of imminent collapse than the current Conservative one, so it’s an achievement the government is very proud of.
“Every year since the Conservatives came to power in 2010, we’ve added more deathtraps to the list” he said. This isn’t something the Labour party will tell you they did and it’s important that people know at the next election, that the Labour party never even made a list of crumbling schools.”
When asked why nothing was done to address the risk these schools present to the lives of children and staff, the balding twat said “Obviously the current government can’t be held to account for what happened under the Cameron, May, Johnson and Truss governments and we have to move on, but what I will say is they worked hard to enable Britain to exit the EU and enjoy all the benefits that brought.”
We asked when he anticipated the closed schools would be able to reopen but were told it’s impossible for him to say, because an election will be happening at some time and if the voters are fickle enough to vote for a different government, the matter would be out of their hands and in any case, it depends on how long it would take to import the materials required for the repairs to be carried out.
First published 3 Sep 23
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Now that the Royal Mail have received approval to cut deliveries of second class mail, the BBC is proposing to stop delivering news at weekends.
A spokesman said, 'There's no proper news at weekends. The government doesn't issue any press releases, politicians are away with their mistresses, and councils and businesses don't answer their phones.
‘Often, the only way to fill air-time is to film vox pop interviews in the High Street. Because the man in the street's opinion on the big issues can be very well considered and insightful. Although usually it's just ill-informed, misguided and borderline weird. And we aren’t supposed to fill news programmes with opinion.
'The only reliable source of news stories at the weekend is from overseas. It’s easy to cut-and-paste international news stories from AP and Reuters. The only domestic news is about village fêtes, charity fundraising, stores and pubs closing down, bin collections, traffic, and weather (hot, cold, windy, watery, drought-y, sunburn-y, pollen-y). And occasionally there's a summer riot.
'Most of the weekend news bulletins are filmed on Friday mornings, and then we go down the pub. The work experience kids add in any topical updates later, using clips they've found on TikTok and quotes from social meeja. The weekend news is a joke. It's not worth the effort. We shouldn't have to do it.
'We could just let the radio deal with any real news. ChatGPT can write the copy and then someone can phone it in from home.
'It's your BBC during the week. At the weekends, your BBC needs a rest.'
Image credit: perchance.org