That Michael Fish moment

Strictly to recruit famous dead person for next series

NewsBiscuit has seen a secret BBC document suggesting that the Corporation may be about to recruit a famous dead person for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing. In a paper marked “Strictly Confidential”, the unknown author states that with the success of Rose Ayling-Ellis, Johnnie Peacock and now Chris McCausland, the public has been shown to “willingly embrace diversity amongst the contestants”.

However, the text emphasises that any announcement would come with significant communication challenges. In particular, the messaging around the decision should highlight the “innovation and edginess”, and not mention anything about “lower appearance fees”, or that a dead person would be “unable to complain about abuse”.

While the paper acknowledges the challenges of “visual appearance and decomposition”, it states however that “make-up, fake tan and glitter should successfully conceal the vast majority of blemishes”.

A further challenge noted is the "relatively small pool of famous preserved corpses", some of whom were dictators, whose “past political views may overshadow the dance performances and therefore complicate news management”. As a result, a draft shortlist comprising only Tollund Man and Jeremy Bentham is set out, with the latter being “cheaper but scoring very poorly on name recognition in early focus groups”.

In a final point, the document’s author says that while there might be initial criticism about recruiting someone who “couldn’t dance or even smile”, these issues had been “dealt with years ago in recruiting Ann Widdecombe”.

image from pixabay

Secret Service foils three assassination attempts on Joe Biden

After criticism for shortcomings in protecting Donald Trump, the Secret Service has upped its game regarding President Biden.

An insider said that the Secret Service has already prevented three assassination attempts this week.  Despite the obvious publicity value to the Democrats, the incidents are being hushed up, with the special security classification ‘Restricted - Roswell’.

The first incident involved an accident with an office stapler.   It was later downgraded from an assassination attempt as no third party was involved.  Joe Biden has been encouraged to let his admin staff do the stapling in future.

The second incident happened at lunchtime.   The danger to the President was averted when a lifeguard rescued Joe Biden from the shallow end of a tomato soup.  This followed an attempted stabbing with a very sharp sardine tin lid.

Finally, at bed-time, a highly trained Secret Service agent was able to rescue the President from a strangulation attempt.  A flannelette pyjama top was taken away for questioning.

The insider told us that all agents remain on high alert, as there are dangers around every corner.  Not least because Joe insists on keeping his dark glasses on indoors.

image from pixabay

hat tip to Steve B