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Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses



The worlds much-loved number one tennis bellend is said to be amongst 370 people who attended the event in May 2020. The claim increases pressure on the worlds much-loved number one prime ministerial bellend. Mr Johnson says he can’t recall anything, can’t spell the word ‘party’ in any case, and strenuously denies even knowing who Djokovic is.


“Ah…um...well…jolly tricky all this. I did remember being introduced to some sporting chappie, but frankly, they all look the same after a couple of bottles of vintage Dom Perignon.’


A Downing Street spokesman denied that any rules had been broken apart from the ones that were: ‘There’s nothing in the rules to say that Mr Djokovic, who wasn’t here, by the way, cannot play tennis with senior cabinet ministers, who also weren’t here. There is also no truth in the spurious rumours that Prince Andrew, who didn't attend, served canapes, or that Melania Trump, who also wasn’t here, was fired out of a canon. Mind you, it was pretty bloody spectacular, even though no one was here and nothing happened.’





First published 12 Jan 2022


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Tristan Tate's book: How to be the 'ultimate beta male'


Tristan Tate, brother of the more famous Andrew, has written a book about how to harness your 'beta male energy' to become the second most famous and impressive guy in the room, provided it’s a small room with only two guys in it.


The book includes useful tips such as making sure you’re in the background when people take photos of your more famous brother, as well as tweeting obsequiously about him at least once a day.


'For example, when Andrew announced we were moving to Romania because their laws on sexual assault are weaker, I commented ‘Yeah!’ Which I think really made people sit up and take notice.


'And it’s working. Whereas a few years ago, focus groups showed that hardly anyone had heard of Tristan Tate, now people are more likely to respond ‘No, I don’t think…oh wait, is Tristan the brother?' '


However, preliminary indications are that Tristan may have trouble finding a publisher for his book.


'I honestly thought there was no one sadder than Andrew Tate, bragging about abusing women and then being surprised when he ends up in court for doing exactly that,' said one well-known publisher. 'But it turns out there are wannabes who are even cringier.


'Sorry to be slow in responding to your enquiry, but after reading his manuscript, I felt the need for a very long shower.'


STOP PRESS: Tristan announced today that his book would be published after all, because Andrew told his publisher they couldn’t have his next book unless they agreed to publish Tristan’s as well.


'No problem, bruv, happy to help,' Andrew told his pathetically grateful brother. 'But, er, now you’re making some money, maybe you could think about getting a place of your own, yeah?'


Picture credit: Wix AI

Man thinks Coeliac disease is just a fad to slow down his food order



Sighing heavily whilst looking over at the waitress who was helpfully talking a family through the gluten free options, a bellend muttered, 'Look at them pandering to that spoilt, attention seeking brat, they’ll soon grow out of it.'


Talking loudly enough so the next table could clearly hear, he went on 'I mean, no one didn’t like a bit of gluten when I was growing up, what have they suddenly got against bread? An autoimmune condition sounds like a made-up thing, like healing crystals or Socialism.'


After waving the menu and clicking his fingers, the bellend kept other diners fully informed of his opinions, 'I mean, it’s not like the nuts thing is it, he’s not going to explode or anything interesting. I don’t understand it, so that means it’s not real. That’s just common sense.'


The bellend then started asking about off menu options like he’d seen flash people do on YouTube, as kitchen staff prepared to piss on his chips.


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