Second coming imminent says Washington

With the received wisdom in US Bible states being that Jesus will not come on earth a second time until all Palestinians have been driven from the Holy Land, President Trump is said to be racking up the pressure on Arab countries to take in Millions of dispossessed Palestinian refugees.

According to White House watchers, Trump has set up a new company to handle the second coming and has obtained licences for the sale and resale of all Jesus themed memorabilia, with five factories, four in China and one in Vietnam , on standby to produce JC 4Trump T shirts, hats and giant foam hands. According to JD Vance, this gig could be bigger than Taylor Swift.

As yet another thank you. Trump has granted Elon Musk the hot dog and unleavened bread franchise for all events and gatherings.

Trump has ordered staff to have Air force one to be ready and fueled for takeoff as soon as the last Palestinian crosses the Egyptian border and has said he will put the aircraft at Jesus disposal for his entire stay.

A draft itinerary has Jesus arriving in Washington, perhaps staying a couple of nights with Trump and his family, maybe getting in a couple of rounds of Golf and generally chilling after what was in all probability a tiring decent from heaven . Exact arrangements can’t be put into place until White House staffs have has a chance to discuss everything with Jesus and his people.

Whilst the mood in the US is buoyant with church services being held up and down the country, not everyone is entirely happy. Some critics are pointing out that the last time Jesus was on earth, things didn’t exactly go smoothly. Many in the Israeli Cabinet are worried that Jesus might ask to see the books and with numerous cases of fraud being levelled at Netanyahu, things might turn nasty very quickly. Many Jews remember the stories of Jesus physically attacking money lenders in the temple and fear a repetition ,particularly if Jesus has been making his own wine again and has had a few too many. In response, many are saying the temple and money lender stories were purely a sop to keep the masses quiet and point to the fact that the catholic church, one of the richest institutions on earth are big Jesus fans, don’t see a problem and are ready to do a deal with Jesus for his cut.

Everyone has been warned, whatever happens, don’t mention the Crucifixion.

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

An eye for an eye, a tooth for 11,000 children

.

Atheist duped again by religious element of 'Thought for the Day'

An avowed atheist has been duped for the 1561st day in a row by the religious component of Radio 4's short 'Thought for the Day', it has been confirmed.

'I started listening to this piece at 745am on GCSE results', said Mike McBride, 46. 'It was a really interesting commentary from Professor Miriam Da Costa of the Ethics Department of University College London, who pointed out that attainment levels had ebbed and flowed over the last 20 years, particularly during the pandemic'. 

'It highlighted some interesting differences in achievement for boys and girls, and for people living in different regions of the UK, and that for young people this was such an important day, when they are feeling judged, I thought, yeh, this is decent analysis, fair play Prof Da Costa.', continued McBride. 

'And then there it was, boom, completely out of nowhere', said an angry McBride. 'She pointed out that we all have our ups and downs, and that GCSE results are perhaps a metaphor for life, with that constant feeling of being measured, evaluated, and ultimately, isn't it a higher being who makes the final judgement on whether we have 'made the grade' through our earthly endeavours?'

McBride admitted that he had been similarly duped every single day for the last 5 years, by pieces starting seemingly innocently but then slotting in a cheeky faith-based message.

'Joe Biden stepping down as US President, a bird singing in the dawn chorus, Leicester winning the Premier league against all the odds, and some sodding athlete slipping off the end of the 10m high-dive board in the Olympics', listed McBride. 'They always end in exactly the same way. God moves in mysterious ways.' 

'Mr McBride is - perhaps rightly - a little annoyed at the feeling of having the wool pulled over his eyes by this radio segment', noted Reverend Peter Jones, a regular presenter of Thought for The Day. 'And don't we all just need an outlet sometimes to vent that frustration at the world.'

'Even Jesus himself reverted to overthrowing over the tables in a temple one time when he was annoyed. The temple was, if you like, the Roman equivalent of the occasionally amusing satirical website that Mr McBride is writing in, although perhaps funnier at times.....oh, who am I trying to kid.....'. 

Photo by Jonathan Velasquez on Unsplash