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Boris Johnson’s six point plan to end Ukraine crisis in full


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1. Boney M’s ‘Rasputin’ to be banned from all UK radio stations


2. Beef Stroganoff to be removed from the House of Commons canteen


3. A complete cultural boycott of Russian touring artists (with exceptions for hot female violinists who for some reason find an overweight, shop soiled Furby in human form inexplicably attractive)


4. Liz Truss to be despatched to Moscow in a different ethnic Russian costume each week until Putin gets fed up


5. Roman Abramovich to be limited to owning no more than five diamond encrusted helicopters, while his super yacht must be permanently moored in Weston Super Mare


6. All donations to the Conservative Party from Russian oligarchs to be paid back immediately. Except there haven’t been any, honest. Stop playing politics, let’s move on etc.



First published 8 Mar 2022



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Johnson abandons sanctions in favour of 'Williamson Doomsday Solution'


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As international sanctions have proven to be completely ineffective against Russia's invasion of Ukraine, Britain has announced it is prepared to deploy the ultimate force against despot Vladimir Putin.

Addressing a packed press suite at Ten Downing Street earlier, an ashen-faced Boris Johnson told reporters. 'Regrettably, it is the doomsday scenario, but we have been left no further options in this conflict. And therefore, it's with a heavy heart that I announce I am appointing Gavin Williamson back into frontline politics as Foreign Secretary.

'Gavin acts on Putin in much the same way as Red Kryptonite does on Superman, and once he has delivered a salvo of well-chosen schoolboy insults, we are sure that Mr Putin will see the error of his ways and back down.'

Unconfirmed reports are suggesting Williamson (10) has been issued with a new blazer, house tie, shorts and knee-length woolly socks and is currently practising the insult "Yah boo, smelly you." This is deployed along with "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire," in conjunction with his trademark Putin put down, "Russia should go away and shut up".



First published 27 Feb 2022



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Shakespeare writes to explain the delay in Boris Johnson's book about him


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Verily, 'tis a melancholy tale I bear, of a scribe delayed in his task so fair.


This wordsmith, once nimble of hand and of wit, now finds himself stuck in a pit.

A pit of procrastination, of doubt, and of fear, that hath rendered his quill ever still and near.


His subject, a matter of great import, with tales to be told that should be in sport.

Yet, he doth suffer a delay most absurd, with the dawn of each day bringing not a single word.


His mind is a jumble of thoughts, all astray, and his heart a maelstrom of worry and dismay.

He hath lost his rhythm, his muses gone mute, and with each day that passes, his book doth refute.


He doth curse the fates, that have so cruel a twist, that hath left him stranded, with nary a script.

And so, with a sigh and a shake of the head, he doth confess that his book is not yet read.


But perchance, he shall find his way clear, and with a burst of inspiration, his tale shall appear.

For such is the way of the bard, and the scribe, that their works, in the end, shall forever abide



First published 14 Feb 2023


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