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NewsBiscuit Grand National form guide



With the big race taking place this Saturday here's NewsBiscuit's annual guide to the no hopers and dead certs.

 

KeepmyWifesNameOutYoMouth - caused a genuine shock when quick out of his stall at the Hollywood Stakes a couple of weeks ago, easily beating Rock's Rib Tickler. Stewards still looking at excessive use of the hand. Form over recent years a bit erratic - particularly in Bad Boys 2. 6-1

 

Nothing From Rishi - disappointed millions with a poor showing in the Budget Handicap last week. Claimed to be hampered and boxed in by Lockdown Spending. Housewife's favourite a couple of years ago, but those winning performances at the Furlough Festival now seem like a distant memory. 25-1

 

You're my Nom Dom - stable partner of Nothing from Rishi. This thoroughbred was sired out of InfoSys. Lifetime winnings of over £400 million so far, although this falls to £399.9 million after tax. Prefers the more generous terrain of the Cayman Islands than Aintree. 5-2

 

Bojos Mojo - generally poorly groomed with a distinctive white mane, hasn't put in a credible performance for some time. Prefers stud work but establishing all his bloodlines has proved to be a challenge.

 

Let Sue Gray Do her Work - had plenty of outings earlier this year but noticeably quiet over recent weeks. Asked some questions of Bojos Mojo but seems unlikely to deliver what punters are hoping for. 10-1 (is the time one of the Downing Street Parties started - bring your own booze).

 

Putin's Folly - likes to try and dictate the pace - and everything else - but the best days are behind him. Recent outings in Ukraine have been ill-judged and has encountered a tougher contest than expected. Thought to be involved in doping scandals at Salisbury, amongst other places. 33-1

 

Sleepy Joe B - popular victor over MakeAmericaGreatAgain last year but form is now unpredictable and erratic. Often starts well but stumbles over small hurdles and looks ready for the knackers yard.


4 For Sale - fiercely independent, with many triumphs in a 40-year history, including wins at Brookside, Countdown, Big Brother and errrr…Naked Attraction. Current trainer Nadine Dorries says the horse needs to now compete in a different class, but insiders say sell-off may be revenge for news coverage that is often straight from the horse's mouth and critical of the government. 15-1 is another (old) favourite

 

P and O Shitshow - outcry recently after owners tried to replace jockey with a cheaper agency rider citing high labour costs in UK. Unrepentant in stewards committee and owners have said they would put the horse in a glue factory tomorrow if the price was right. 50-1. Avoid.


Kwasi's Kopout - trainer says this late entry is full of energy, but talk that he can run like the wind looks likely to be just hot air. Looks like he needs some TLC, but the stable won't even pay for a blanket in his stall. Likes the going wet to radioactive. 25/1


Foo Fighter - withdrawn owing to unforeseen circumstances.


Partygate - much prefers a mid-week run out after feeling a tad woozy following Wine Fridays. Subject of multiple steward's enquiries. Likely to break all the rules during the race and will deny everything in the paddock. 47,000/1



Contributions from Sir Lupus and O'Shaughnessy



First published 9 April 22



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‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government



‘Everybody to be honoured for doing the job they are paid to do' says Government.


Following the Queen’s decision to honour the Duke of Edinburgh’s most loyal and trusted aides for doing the job they are paid to do, the Government has decided to make similar awards to everybody in the UK who finds themselves in gainful employment.


Government sources say that now we are no longer bound by repressive EU regulations the UK can finally give a big thank you to everybody who receives a salary or an income as a result of doing the job they are contracted to do. The awards will be across the board (not just the boardroom) and will cover all aspects of work, regardless of rank, reputation or job importance.


People in IT will receive the CVO for turning up for work while ancillary workers will be awarded the LVO for simply doing what they are expected to do. Those employed in the service sector will be made Knight Bachelors and tradesmen in the construction industry will receive the The Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George.


Sports men and women will receive The Most Nobel Order of the Garter while those self employed - such as hairdressers and door supervisors - not currently covered by the proposed honours system will automatically become dames and knights. Even sex workers (both sexes) will be recognised for the valuable contribution they make to society and will become Companions of the Order of the Bath (CB). Drag artists such as Baga Chipz and Sassi Afrika - although already ‘made up’ - will be made up even further with the much coveted Order of Merit.


‘The UK has a long history of giving idiotic awards and puffed-up titles to specially selected people to make them appear superior to the rest of us….but Brexit now means we can go one step further and give these utterly meaningless titles to everybody and make us all sound like complete and utter twats’ said witless Tory MP Piers Knightley-Gordon. ‘The next step is to give everybody an idiotic double-barrelled name just like mine.

Who wouldn’t want their plumber to be called Kevin Bates-Timpson or the girls down at the nail salon to be referred to as The Right Honourable Lady.


'It adds a touch of class'.


First published 1 April 2022




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Bullingdon Club members urged to have brain scans



A recent H&S study of biaxially-oriented polypropylene, from which modern polymer banknotes are manufactured, has revealed that when attempted to be lit, produce noxious fumes that, if inhaled, can cause brain damage.

Although polymer banknotes were introduced some time after Boris Johnson gained notoriety by setting fire to a £50 note in front of a homeless man, doctors are concerned that people with money to burn may be practising with polymer notes and have urged anyone likely to be engaging in this practice to have their brain scanned, mainly to check whether they have one


First published 31 March 2022


Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash



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