Boris Johnson | NewsBiscuit 20/187

Boris Johnson "now a role model for snarky teenagers"

FlashArry
Jan 29

"We had anticipated that our studies would indicate that teenagers mimic the attitudes and standpoints of prominent social media users, reality television 'stars' and the like, so it has been highly unusual to see any political figure rate so highly in this study"

Keith Warsash, a psychologist specialising in behavioural development, has just completed an exhaustive internet study on role model markers amongst teenagers - and has been astonished to find that Boris Johnson is currently one of the key influencers.

Whilst scoring low, and even negative, values for his personal fashion sense, deportment and appearance, the Prime Minister has 'topped the leaderboard' for attitude and behavioural traits.

"We believe he has done so well in these areas through taking the teenage trifecta of 'I never', 'It's not my fault' and 'You're always picking on me' and elevating it to an art form." continued Keith.

"More astounding is that he has managed to maintain this triple defence well into his adult life, giving hope to teenagers everywhere that they too can carry that bubble of imperviousness into their later years, assuming no mantle of responsibility for anything as they go"

Keith has, however, been unable to confirm his findings in discussion with his 15 year old son, Jonah.

"When I spoke to him about this, all he did was mumble something under his breath, roll his eyes and storm off to his bedroom, pausing only to slam the kitchen door."

"Honestly, it was just like watching PM's Question Time" said an exasperated Keith

First published 29 Jan 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Family of 14 evicted from on-line fulfilment centre

deskpilot
Jan 28

A family of 14, including two great-grandparents, have been evicted from a high-tech warehouse in Sunderland.

The warehouse is owned and operated by a well-known on-line retailer who has, amazingly, asked not to be named. We are able to say, however, that the warehouse is in a prime location.

The retailer said that the family had got in by mailing themselves to the warehouse, pretending to be returned goods. Once inside, they hacked the stock control system to make certain racks unavailable for use. They then lived in the racking, unnoticed, hiding behind dusty pallets of unsold Boris Johnson books. They survived by eating cardboard and returned corn-and-potato based snacks. For entertainment, they challenged each other to wear a blindfold and work out which was which.

Six members of the family were subsequently hired by the retailer, even though they gave their home address as that of the warehouse. They worked regular shifts for over a year, and one of them won employee of the month three times. Despite this, the family was made to leave, and all six employees were sacked. Two family members escaped the eviction process by despatching themselves to a pick-up locker nearby.

The retailer said that it would not prosecute the family as company policies didn’t directly cover the circumstances. A spokesman confirmed that IT security would be tightened and company policies updated.

Although there was some damage to copies of ‘Unleashed’ there was no financial loss as they were already unsaleable and worthless.

Cake to become next PM

Sir Lupus
Jan 27

The birthday cake that Boris Johnson was given in June 2020 is tipped to be Britain's next Prime Minister, according to Downing Street insiders today.

Speaking from behind the bike sheds at no 10 and furtively sipping a glass of tap water, an aide said "the Party is looking for something bright, relatable and that everyone would fancy a bit of. The cake stands out way ahead of the other contenders, especially when it's candles are lit. Admittedly, it's a bit stale, the cream filling has gone off a bit by now and the whole thing will probably need to go in the bin soon, but then.. excuse me - hello Prime Minster! Yes of course it's vodka."

However, there is no guarantee that Britain can look forward to a sweet sponge-based government, as it's understood that the cake has also had a lucrative offer from the BBC to be its new chief political reporter, based on its skill in ambushing politicians.