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NEWSBISCUIT offer: Free BORIS QUITS! cut and paste headline for all our readers



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First published 6 Feb 2022



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Survivors of Downing Street Parties found alive and well



Police and Ambulance services were called to Downing Street yesterday when two former Boris Johnson aids were found hiding in a cellar at No 10. Walking blinking into the light, having been in hiding since 2020, they had no idea that their leader had been deposed or that the Conservatives party had been decimated at a general election.


For now their identities are being kept secret until their families have been informed but one is believed to be the son of a prominent Essex Tory MP whose hobby is reliving the D day landings every forth Sunday of the month and the other a former Eton wet bob who was on a £50,000 a year work experience placement when the parties took place.


Questioned by Police, they explained that the Party invite specially said; do not get caught under any circumstances, capture or surrender is not an option, secrecy is paramount. Based on this, having taken refuge in the cellar after what they believed to be a police raid they would only sneak out at night and walked barefoot at all times. Unbeknown to them of course this was unnecessary as all the Police on duty at Downing Street at that time were all hearing impaired. With since admitted loud parties with Booze, music, singing and even an alleged fight, frequent occurrence under Boris Johnson, the Police on guard in another wise quiet empty street heard nothing.


The two, being hailed as heroes by the Daily Mail, described how they existed on scraps from the nearby kitchen and the massive amount of booze hidden in suitcases they had stashed in the cellars prior to the parties. Initially they also had a supply of Birthday cake but they estimate this ran out after a couple of months. A Police spokes person said that in view of the trauma they had already been though further action was unlikely.


Neither Conservative party central office nor Boris Johnson has yet to comment.




Boris Johnson denies being Boris Johnson



A man with an extraordinary likeness to Boris Johnson has denied being the Prime Minister, calling for all police investigations into his alleged Covid rules breaches to cease.


‘This has been a bally awful confusion over my identity,’ the man told a press conference held in Downing Street last night. I’d like to thank the real Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister, who last night went missing, for giving me this opportunity to clear my name. At this jolly difficult time, I would appreciate it if, if if if the media would give me and my my my wife Carrie, my children Wilf and, er er the other ones, the privacy we deserve after this ghastly experience based on sheer coincidence.’


The Johnson look-alike was asked what his name was and admitted it was 'Boris Johnson', in inverted commas, as opposed to the missing Prime Minister’s name which is unpunctuated. ‘Boris Johnson’ promised to provide a copy of his birth certificate which shows the inverted commas. He also promised to provide a picture of him and ‘the real’ Boris Johnson at a Downing Street party, thereby demonstrating there are two Boris Johnsons, one entirely innocent, the other entirely absent.


Later Prince Andrew observed that such photographs are easily forged, while issuing a similar denial, claiming to be ‘the other Prince Andrew’. The Telegraph later reported that two Prince Andrews were secretly born as identical twins, and he was the one who never met Geoffrey Epstein and spent his whole life in the shadows, much of it working ‘behind the scenes’ in Pizza Express Woking, only transferring to Mama Dough’s in Reigate after being spotted by Royal correspondents and former victims.


Boris Johnson left a note before his disappearance saying ‘All regulations at the work event at which I met my doppelganger were followed, but unavoidable circumstances mean I now have to disappear. However, this ‘Boris Johnson’ character with whom I hit it off quite markedly would make a great substitute here at Number, er, er, er Ten, not least because he is free from the taint of rule breaking, whereas it may take months to clear my name while I am unavoidably in the Caribbean. While I am away I will be investigating serious claims that the Leader of the Opposition was responsible for the crimes of the Yorkshire Ripper, Jimmy Saville and that bloke who flushed away his victims down the drain in a TV documentary I saw last night.’


He went on to say that opposition claims of deception were ‘a tissue of lies not worth sneezing into.’


First published 3 Feb 2022



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