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Cleaner becomes PM because she's the only gov't member not to have to resign over Xmas party




Following news that the civil servant leading the inquiry into the 10 Downing Street Christmas party has resigned because he also organised an illegal Christmas party, everyone in government - MPs, Lords and civil servants alike - has admitted that they also attended illegal Christmas parties last year, and has resigned. It appears that the only person employed by the government who did not organise or attend an illegal Christmas party in 2020 is Downing Street cleaner Grace Richards, 27, who will now become Prime Minister and form a new government.


The Labour Party was initially approached for this role, but its leader Keir Starmer said that he fully supported the government's action, and so his party would resign also. The Liberal Democrat HQ was on answerphone "following a big night for us", and the SNP said that they had no interest in taking responsibility for "that shambles south of Gretna Green".


Ms Williams said she "would need to have a bit of a think" before announcing her Cabinet and programme for office, but suggested that "taking money out of billionaires' offshore bank accounts and putting it into the NHS, higher wages for key workers, and a lot more buses on the 29 route to Westminster" would be among her key policies.



First published 20 Dec 2021


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Software development no longer ‘Britain’s Sexiest Profession’




For years, Britain’s software developers have had to exhaust themselves at weekends satisfying the wildest sexual demands of the crowds of groupies, harlots and sluts who just can’t get enough of their sweet bedroom jargon.


“Just when you thought you’d heard it all, along comes cloud computing and a whole new generation of acronyms” said Penny, a blonde stunner from London. “Nothing gets my juices flowing more than having Backend-As-A-Service mansplained to me, although the actual meaning was a bit disappointing, to be honest”.


However, the bedroom dominance of software developers may have come to an end. Make way, guys, for the Public Sector Procurement Specialists. These sex gods understand the Public Procurement Guidelines and can whip up a pre-qualification questionnaire faster than a nerd’s wilting erection.


“I was in the pub, just trying to catch the eye of a weedy guy explaining stack overflow to the assembled throng, when I caught a snippet of conversation about PPE”, said Jessica, a nymphomaniac from Leeds. “The bloke who was speaking was nothing special to look at, but when he started explaining the exemption criteria for direct award I felt a familiar stirring in my loins”.


The Johnson Government’s unlawful PPE procurements have thrust the hitherto humble procurement specialist into the limelight. Benedict Cumberbatch and Keanu Reeves are believed to be collaborating on a Netflix thriller about two procurement officers who take on evil corporations from their glamorous glass and steel high tech office at Huddersfield Council.


Jack White, lead singer and guitarist for The White Stripes, is one of many who have applied to join the Chartered Institute of Procurement and Supply. “I just can’t get laid", he told reporters. “I wish I’d never wasted my time learning guitar. With a CIPS qualification maybe I’ll stand a chance”.





First published 17 Oct 2022


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Swanage man denies being Prime Minister



A man hitherto believed by many to be UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has shocked the country by denying it.


During an interview on Sky, when being asked about the Chancellor's Spring Statement having done little or nothing for the poor or disadvantaged, the man, a rotund shock-headed and rather bumbling individual said: 'Look, here. Why do you keep addressing me as prime minister? I'm James (Jimbo to my chums) Anstruther.'


The puzzled presenter said: 'Well, I do so because in fact you are. You're Boris Johnson, aren't you. You are the British Prime Minister?"


There then followed a bizarre exchange when the man stated repeatedly and categorically he was not Mr Johnson, insisting: 'Piffle, poffle and wiffle. I am James Anstruther, a market gardener from Swanage."


In what's being seen as a worrying development, a Mr James Anstruther, market gardener from Swanage was unavailable for comment today. One close neighbour said he had not been seen around the locality for at least a week, when he was last spotted flanked by two shadowy figures being bundled into the back of a large black limousine.


First published 25 March 2022


Image: Newsbiscuit



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