Boris slaps more sanctions on shady characters called Boris

"The following people are some of the most dangerous and manipulative rogues in Britain," the Prime Minister told the Commons.

"Her Majesty's Government has no hesitation in confiscating their assets and turfing them out of their plush central London residences. They have charmed and oiled their way right to the top of British life and are now busy wrecking this country from the inside.

"Quite honestly, they've been playing you all for fools for years.

"The names of these tricksters are Boris Kissoff, Ivan Nastikoff and Alexander Boris de Pfeffel ... Hang on! That's me, isn't it?"

'Russian oligarchs could be limited to £2m donations' warns Johnson

Boris Johnson has warned London's Russian oligarch community that a limit could be imposed on how much money they donate to the Tory party if Russia continues its invasion of Ukraine.

Mr Johnson has hinted there could be severe financial sanctions levied against Russians wishing to buy political influence here in the UK, saying any future interference will come at a cost.

That cost could be as little as £2m per oligarch.

Tory grandee Jacob Rees-Mogg also warned that Russian business affairs could also be impacted - but UK firms would be exempt if they had had the good sense to move their operations to the EU prior to Brexit as he did.

Other sanctions include limiting the number of hours they can double park outside their houses to just twenty hours a day and asking if someone could pick up the dog-shit after their Chow Chow has taken a dump in the park.

https://pixabay.com/photos/yacht-boat-millionaire-wealth-5547284/

HAPPY HUMBUG DAY & A SEASONS CONTRAFIBULATIONS TO ALL OUR READERS

Yes, it’s that time of year again. Sod all in the news, and the only thing you could find for your significant other was a windscreen wiper for a Nissan Micra in the Halfords pre-Xmas sale.

If you can tear yourself away from a simmering row with Great Aunt Pumice over the desperate state of the sprouts, want to stop laughing at Boris’s address to the nation for five minutes and avoid you know who’s bloody speech, then check in with us at Newsbiscuit central. Our world-beating editors are still hard at work in the main bar of The Nelson’s arms, taking lager flow tests on the hour every hour in case anything newsworthy happens anywhere, at all, whatsoever.

Today, for one day only, we are pleased to announce the Newsbiscuit TITUS HEADLINE XMAS SPECIAL. Titus is a legendary Newsbiscuit contributor, who valiantly floods our Writer’s Room with hundreds if not thousands of contributions on a daily basis, many of which remain unpublished, also on a daily basis.

Whether this is because of the Newsbiscuit VAR machine, good taste or for completely biased editorial reasons, scientists can’t say for sure due to Russian hackers refusing to share their data.

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Ye Merry Newsbiscuit Editorial Team