Tories annual piss-up in brewery cancelled after Boris forgot to send out the invitations

'You couldn't bloody make it up, could you?' shouted Sir Dudley Farquhar the long-standing member for Dungeness West since 1867.

'It was all jolly straightforward. We had the brewery booked, which, by the way, was a dashed decent venue. The white burgundy order was delivered on time and dear Priti laid on a troupe of recently evacuated Afghan dancing women. We had Michelin star catering, with canapés and rare Ormskirk truffles.

'Then, of course, Captain Chaos gets involved, and everything goes to hell in a hand cart. The silly arse forgot to send out the invitations. For any self-respecting Tory, missing out on a piss-up is a crime against humanity. To my mind, he's too easily distracted by the interfering covid boffin Johnnies. He needs to get his priorities right. I've already sent my letter of no confidence in the bungling idiot to the higher echelons of the influential 1622 committee.

'Frankly, I can't remember such a useless politician since a chap called Boris Johnson wished the Taliban a merry Christmas when he was Foreign Secretary.'

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Could lockdown ruin moment in the sun for reserve crockery?

Plates and glasses that would never normally see the light of day – even your Faliraki 2009 plastic tankard – are gearing up for their annual moment in the sun. But since Boris Johnson promised to save Christmas, everyone assumes it will be as ruined as last year when an undercooked turkey turned your bathroom into a biohazard.

The Festive period carries great risk as well as great reward for your spare spoons, however. When people rummage through drawers for a spare container for cranberry sauce, they may discover other items they no longer need, like a bread maker, the dystopian spectre of bourgeois consumerism, extra egg cups or the military-industrial complex.

Amy Armstrong said, ‘I didn’t know we had a spare ladle. Bin it, we’ll get another one in the sales.’

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Tories accused of dithering over Boris

Conservative MPs have belatedly embraced the concept of social distancing, but only as far as the Prime Minister is concerned. 'I don't want to catch what he has,' pointed out one Conservative MP, 'I've a narrow majority to retain in two years' time.'

Many MPs want to see the back of Boris Johnson but are afraid of getting too close to sticking the knife in. 'You don't know where he's been,' suggested one MP. Another wore a mask, but only in the hope of not being recognised. 'As soon as we can get back to doing what we want with impunity, the better,' he said.

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