Could lockdown ruin moment in the sun for reserve crockery?

Plates and glasses that would never normally see the light of day – even your Faliraki 2009 plastic tankard – are gearing up for their annual moment in the sun. But since Boris Johnson promised to save Christmas, everyone assumes it will be as ruined as last year when an undercooked turkey turned your bathroom into a biohazard.

The Festive period carries great risk as well as great reward for your spare spoons, however. When people rummage through drawers for a spare container for cranberry sauce, they may discover other items they no longer need, like a bread maker, the dystopian spectre of bourgeois consumerism, extra egg cups or the military-industrial complex.

Amy Armstrong said, ‘I didn’t know we had a spare ladle. Bin it, we’ll get another one in the sales.’

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Tories accused of dithering over Boris

Conservative MPs have belatedly embraced the concept of social distancing, but only as far as the Prime Minister is concerned. 'I don't want to catch what he has,' pointed out one Conservative MP, 'I've a narrow majority to retain in two years' time.'

Many MPs want to see the back of Boris Johnson but are afraid of getting too close to sticking the knife in. 'You don't know where he's been,' suggested one MP. Another wore a mask, but only in the hope of not being recognised. 'As soon as we can get back to doing what we want with impunity, the better,' he said.

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Cleaner becomes PM because she's the only gov't member not to have to resign over Xmas party

Following news that the civil servant leading the inquiry into the 10 Downing Street Christmas party has resigned because he also organised an illegal Christmas party, everyone in government - MPs, Lords and civil servants alike - has admitted that they also attended illegal Christmas parties last year, and has resigned. It appears that the only person employed by the government who did not organise or attend an illegal Christmas party in 2020 is Downing Street cleaner Grace Richards, 27, who will now become Prime Minister and form a new government.

The Labour Party was initially approached for this role, but its leader Keir Starmer said that he fully supported the government's action, and so his party would resign also. The Liberal Democrat HQ was on answerphone "following a big night for us", and the SNP said that they had no interest in taking responsibility for "that shambles south of Gretna Green".

Ms Williams said she "would need to have a bit of a think" before announcing her Cabinet and programme for office, but suggested that "taking money out of billionaires' offshore bank accounts and putting it into the NHS, higher wages for key workers, and a lot more buses on the 29 route to Westminster" would be among her key policies.

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