Sign business that saw potential of Brexit floated on stock market

A sign making business that operated from a unit above a shoe repair shop in Hendon for many years while struggling to pay its bills has grown the business sufficiently to be floated on the stock market.

“Our success was all down to Brexit” said the Greg Anderson, owner of Brexisigns, formerly Hendon Signs and Trophies. “The shop downstairs had to close down after they could no longer get supplies of heels and soles on time to meet their orders and asked us to make them a closing down sign.

'Well it’s just as simple to make a dozen signs as it is one, once you’ve set the job up; and because I’d seen other shops were struggling, that’s what I did. The extra signs all went within a couple of days, so it seemed sensible to make some more and they went like hot cakes too.”

In the end, Greg’s business had to move to an industrial unit to cope with the demand.

Greg has been approached by Jacob Rees-Mogg to appear on his GB News show to talk about how Brexit enabled his success.

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We would have insisted on three pin plug for smartphones, says Truss

'Typical EU bureaucracy,' said a spokesperson for the prime Minister, 'insisting on a typical EU common connector for smartphones - the EUSB, probably. Our Brexit dividend means we can be more radical and helpful to UK consumers - everyone has a drawer full of three pin plugs, and we're telling Apple and Samsung to make their phones compatible with them. If they don't, great British manufacturing will take over the smartphone industry - we already lead the market in burner phones, but not sure how they come up with that trade name. Sure, they might be a bit bulkier to accommodate the three pins, but it will show we are different to the EU,' she said today.

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English to return all French loanwords as part of Brexit deal

People in Britain will no longer have to put up with expressions like je ne sais quoi or pièce de résistance, thanks to a deal secured by the Brexit minister. Jacob Rees-Mogg has assured the country that "all those silly French phrases are going right back to where they came from".

The Sun and Mail have celebrated with "Take Back Our Language" editions, guaranteed to be purged of all "poncey Frogisms". "Reading your morning paper shouldn't be like going through a Guardian reader's wine catalogue", says Richard Littlejohn.

The decision has the full support of monoglot Middle England. "This will make watching TV so much easier", says Ethel Morrison, of Surrey. "I'm always reaching for my French dictionary when watching Hercule Poirot, to find out what très bien or mon ami means".

However, Professor James Needon of Balliol College has dropped a bombshell. He points out that English has been borrowing words from across the Channel for nearly a thousand years. "Seventy-five percent of our language is actually French", he says. He estimates that this move could end up costing Britain £100 billion in editing and rewriting.

"This latest bright idea is going to catapult the language back to 1065", he explains. "Basically, when you take out the French bits, all you're left with is Beowulf".

However, Britain's tabloids are not backing down in their support. When asked to comment, a Sun spokesman said, "þyss off, ðickheað".

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