People in Britain will no longer have to put up with expressions like je ne sais quoi or pièce de résistance, thanks to a deal secured by the Brexit minister. Jacob Rees-Mogg has assured the country that "all those silly French phrases are going right back to where they came from".
The Sun and Mail have celebrated with "Take Back Our Language" editions, guaranteed to be purged of all "poncey Frogisms". "Reading your morning paper shouldn't be like going through a Guardian reader's wine catalogue", says Richard Littlejohn.
The decision has the full support of monoglot Middle England. "This will make watching TV so much easier", says Ethel Morrison, of Surrey. "I'm always reaching for my French dictionary when watching Hercule Poirot, to find out what très bien or mon ami means".
However, Professor James Needon of Balliol College has dropped a bombshell. He points out that English has been borrowing words from across the Channel for nearly a thousand years. "Seventy-five percent of our language is actually French", he says. He estimates that this move could end up costing Britain £100 billion in editing and rewriting.
"This latest bright idea is going to catapult the language back to 1065", he explains. "Basically, when you take out the French bits, all you're left with is Beowulf".
However, Britain's tabloids are not backing down in their support. When asked to comment, a Sun spokesman said, "þyss off, ðickheað".
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