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The European Union has employed French politician Michel Barnier to oversea the Brexit negotiations from the EU side, who was chosen for his particularly annoying shrug and his ability to pretend that he doesn't speak a word English, despite being fluent in the language.
'The United Kingdom has voted to leave the European Union, and that is understandable because they are very stupid' he said unhelpfully at the start of negotiations. 'Now I will leave you to eat your disgusting English sandwiches at your computers while I have a delicious three course lunch between noon and three o'clock.'
Throughout the negotiations Barnier has made it clear he intends to criticize English cuisine, the British public transport system and the failure of the English football team to win anything in the last half century.
'We intend to make Britain regret its decision to leave the EU' he told reporters. 'Every suggestion that they make, I will just shrug and say 'Ce n'est pas possible.' And then even if they speak perfect French I will laugh at their accent and say 'Je ne comprends pas!'
'In the end, the British will find the job of leaving the EU much too difficult, and will pay a load of Poles to do it for them.'
Updated: Nov 29, 2021
Bigots, xenophobes, racists and jingoistic fools across the country are celebrating today following the results of a new survey which says post-Brexit Britain is the best country in the world to live in.
'I knew it.' said one moron from Billericay. 'Britain’s the best country and always has been, simple as. It's no mistake that we're called Great Britain. The name's on the tin, and boy are we now living up to that again.'
Eighty-five year-old former magistrate and staunch Conservative, Dorothy Mallet agrees. 'This is the best country in the world, no doubt about it. I knew Brexit was going to be great once we became disentangled from those foreigners. We've got our sovereignty back and we've regained control now. It's great to have the Queen back, I missed her being in charge.
'Everything's running like a well-oiled machine. We've never had it so good. That three-hundred and fifty million a week has really got the NHS back on its feet, too. It's all thanks to Boris Johnson and his wonderful cabinet of many talents.'
The survey, carried out by GB News, is being claimed by the broadcaster as being the most extensive of its kind since Brexit. When asked, a channel spokesman said: 'Oh yes, very extensive indeed. We canvassed our entire audience during Dan Wooton's show and got an amazing 100% participation. Actually, three responses were registered and it was a unanimous win for Britain being best. However, full disclosure here, in the interests of accuracy and fairness we had to discount one vote as the couple's poodle wasn't eligible.'
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