Updated: Nov 29, 2021
Bigots, xenophobes, racists and jingoistic fools across the country are celebrating today following the results of a new survey which says post-Brexit Britain is the best country in the world to live in.
'I knew it.' said one moron from Billericay. 'Britain’s the best country and always has been, simple as. It's no mistake that we're called Great Britain. The name's on the tin, and boy are we now living up to that again.'
Eighty-five year-old former magistrate and staunch Conservative, Dorothy Mallet agrees. 'This is the best country in the world, no doubt about it. I knew Brexit was going to be great once we became disentangled from those foreigners. We've got our sovereignty back and we've regained control now. It's great to have the Queen back, I missed her being in charge.
'Everything's running like a well-oiled machine. We've never had it so good. That three-hundred and fifty million a week has really got the NHS back on its feet, too. It's all thanks to Boris Johnson and his wonderful cabinet of many talents.'
The survey, carried out by GB News, is being claimed by the broadcaster as being the most extensive of its kind since Brexit. When asked, a channel spokesman said: 'Oh yes, very extensive indeed. We canvassed our entire audience during Dan Wooton's show and got an amazing 100% participation. Actually, three responses were registered and it was a unanimous win for Britain being best. However, full disclosure here, in the interests of accuracy and fairness we had to discount one vote as the couple's poodle wasn't eligible.'