Notorious North Korean despot and Peter Kay lookalike, Kim ‘he’s a wrong-un’ Jong-un, has made a surprise bid to buy a Premier League club. His consortium is believed to include the presidents of Turkey, Belarus, Uzbekistan, and the chairman of British Gas.
A delighted spokesperson for United's fan club said: ‘We welcome the dear respected comrade chairman of the democratic beautiful game and supreme commander of Manchester United. He is the inventor of football. A sacred heron descended from heaven on the day of his birth and brought the Premier League into being. By using his wisdom and the power of his great will, we the people of Manchester will destroy our decadent enemies. Mind you, the pies are still a bit iffy.'
The bid means United are now debt free and can invest in the team, in punishment blocks, and in motivational cattle prods.
Manchester City have said they will not respond to provocation after a United football was kicked over their ground.