It's awards season, bitches. And there's no redder carpet than the Utility of the Year awards. Anyone who's anyone will waft in for the gala night at the Footcorn Exchange in Hull.
The Water Works will always get a sympathetic smile, and yet another 'running' gag from the compere which references Monopoly. Jim Davidson will also be present, but no one will be quite sure why. Let's be honest, though... have The WW really pumped enough toxic shit into our rivers this year to be in with an outside shot? Everyone else thinks not, tilting their heads, pouting, and condescendingly offering their pocket squares for the inevitable floods.
And, of course, that awkward moment when top cheeses from other utilities accidentally make eye contact with the painfully hopeful and wildly overoptimistic bellends at the British Gas table. Centrica, my arse - we know who you are.
What a year they've had, eh? How many exclusive London PR rinsing agencies have they cycled through this week alone? Things have gone so badly, the government will likely be punishing the lot of them with lifetime peerages.