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Nigeria in talks with UK for return of Rees-Mogg



Following recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.


Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water


In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset where he enjoyed a brief career as a performer in a local music hall, singing sea shanties and Victorian love ditties in a high falsetto while riding back and forth across the stage on a penny-farthing bicycle.


He then entered politics and became the Conservative member for East Somerset and more recently the Minister For Brexit Opportunities.


After failing to find any, he asked to be returned to the museum where he remains in the basement, awaiting restoration work on his knees and monocle.


A museum spokesman told newsmen last night: 'We realise that Jacob may have been looted so we are very much open to returning him to Nigeria.


'Let them pay for his kedgeree breakfasts and monthly subscription to Mature Nannies In Suspenders.'


In 1947, the museum successfully fought off an action to return Ann Widdecombe to the United States after they claimed she had been looted from The House of Grotesques on Coney Island by drunken matelots from HMS Bulwark in 1870.




First published 30 Nov 2022


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British Museum to hold 'closing down sale'



It was announced today that the British Museum, under pressure from academics and activists to repatriate artefacts taken from elsewhere in the world, will hold a 'closing down sale'.


Under the slogan 'Everything must go!!!', the museum will encourage descendants of the original owners to turn up and take home its exhibits. 'There are handy labels to show where we got everything, in case of confusion' explained a spokesman.


'And if it turns out no one’s that bothered about a bit of old pot that some distant ancestor of theirs might once have used, well, just come and take it anyway. Frankly we’re tired of the bad publicity.'


Ironically, some of the unclaimed artefacts already form part of an exhibition on European colonialism at a museum in Nairobi.


'We can’t be 100% sure why the British went all over the world collecting these random objects,' explains the card next to one display case. 'Presumably it had some sort of ritual significance for them.'


Stolen goods stolen again, complain thieves



A well known repository of stolen goods in central London announced today that some of them had been stolen again.


Quentin Peterhouse, Head of Larceny at the British Museum, said that staff were shocked to find the stolen articles missing during a routine stocktake.


"We initially wondered if it might be the original owners taking them back," he continued, "but apparently we massacred most of them when we took their stuff, so probably not."


"In any case, it wasn't the things we put on display with little cards explaining where we stole them from," he added. "These were all in a lock-up garage in Bermondsey."


This led Peterhouse to the reluctant conclusion that it must be an inside job involving a member of staff.


"To think that someone who works here could have done this," he said, shaking his head sadly. "I mean, obviously our recruitment process does select for a rather flexible attitude to property rights. But surely we made it clear that's the rule for other countries, not the rule for us."




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