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Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens




The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.


An RSPB spokesperson said:


‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’


There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.


You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.


Bill Oddie refused to comment.



First published 26 Dec 2022


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Burglary victim told to be reasonable about it


A burglary victim was today told by the police to be more reasonable in his demands for the return of his property.


Mr Zelensky of Europe E17 was initially hopeful of getting his stuff back, when the police told him they knew exactly who had taken it and where he lives.


However, after lengthy discussions with the burglar, they later told the victim he shouldn’t be so unreasonable and absolutist in his demands for restitution.


'Alright, so, in an ideal world Mr Putain wouldn’t have taken your things,' they said. 'But we can’t be obsessing over the past like that. We have to look at the situation going forward and find a solution all parties are comfortable with.


”We’ve put to Mr Zelensky a proposal that Mr Putain, whilst keeping everything he’s already taken, won’t take any more. But I’m sorry to say he’s being quite inflexible about this, which really isn’t helpful.'


However, the negotiations were rendered moot by the news that Mr Putain had not only taken more, he’d also moved into Mr Zelensky’s house and changed the locks, a move the police described as 'perfectly reasonable, given he now has so many of Mr Zelensky’s possessions and obviously needs somewhere to keep them.'


Picture credit: Wix AI




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