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Lewisham man beats record for words to describe 'speechless'


A Lewisham man surprised by work colleagues with a birthday card and cake has broken the world record for people describing that they are speechless.


'I'm literally speechless, there are no words to describe the emotions running through me, I don't have the words to explain how I feel at this gesture, words, frankly, fail me, I just don't know what to say,' he is understood to have said.


Unfortunately, all of his co-workers drifted off back to their desks and assumed the end of the sentence. Consequently his record will not be recorded by Guinness as a World Record, nor will he enjoy his cake as everyone took a slice while he was waffling on, leaving just an empty plate, an action that, literally, left him speechless.



First published 5 Jul 2022


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Parliamentary Standards Committee wants to see the gift card



The Parliamentary Standards Committee is investigating the gift of five million pounds to Nigel Farage, before he became an MP.


‘We want to see the card,’ said a pale functionary.  ‘In our view, the nature of the card, and the sentiments expressed in it, are critical to determining if the gift was personal or tantamount to a political donation.


‘For example, if the card says ‘Happy Birthday Nige!  I’ve transferred some birthday money into your Swiss account – go wild!’, then that sounds more personal.  But if the card says ‘Remittance, for services to be rendered in the future, five million quid, please acknowledge safe receipt and provide a VAT invoice’, then it sounds a bit more businessy.


If the card has a cake, or a balloon, or bottles of fizz on it, then again, it seems more of a personal thing.  If the card has a picture of an England flag, or Clacton, or small boats in the channel, then one would construe that as being more political.


It’s entirely possible that Nigel didn’t keep the card. If you receive that sort of money on a regular basis, I imagine that the whole thing becomes a bit mundane.



Image credit: Wix AI (edited)

Christmas Cracker Jokes


Here is our seasonal medley of Christmas cracker jokes. Some of them are traditional favourites. And some of them are home groan...



Q. What's the best way to steal treacle?

A. Syruptitiously


Q. What do shepherds put on their walls?

A. Flock wallpaper


Q: What is the most common owl in Britain?

A: The "teet"


Q. What's the most common owl in America?

A. The superb


Q. Why did the crow join the fitness class?

A. To improve his caw strength.


Q. What's E.T. short for?

A. Because he's got little legs!


Q. Which Californian city gave Father Christmas an alternative name?

A. Santa Moniker


Q. How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

A. Pantene


Q. Where is the best place in the world to sketch Dracula?

A. Pencilvania


Q. What's the difference between a large toilet roll & a small one?

A. On the whole, no difference


Q. What do you call social media for religious people?

A. FaithTime


Q. What's not on Andrew's cake this Christmas?

A. Royal icing


Q. What royals is Andrew having for Christmas lunch?

A. Jersey royals


Q. What's on the Louvre Christmas card this year?

A. A robin



With contributions from deskpilot, granger, hokeyloki, jeremynh, and modelmaker.

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