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Camilla to be crowned with a golden novelty drinking helmet


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Her Royal Shakiness, The Queen Consort, has been told not to wear that big blingy crown with the massive diamond in the middle of it for her coronation. It has been alleged that it was stolen from the back of an auto rickshaw in Delhi - authorities have issued an international arrest warrant for the culprit. The photo-fit bears a surprising resemblance to the well-known monarch, and jewel thief, Queen Victoria - very Koh-i-Noorty.


A palace spokesperson said that Queen Shakey was delighted to swop an outmoded relic of the empire for something more contemporary. When it was pointed out to her that they were talking about the crown rather than Charles she hastily changed the subject.


'She is delighted to be wearing a golden novelty drinking helmet,' the spokesperson wittered. 'Her only request is that the plastic beer straw fitted to the contraption is swapped for a more elegant and lady-like gin straw.'





First published 16 Oct 2022


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King for sale, hardly used


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UK selling King to raise emergency cash for much needed night out, and also with view to saving money by dropping Kingdom part of name.


High mileage. Non-runner. Needs work. Battery not included.


Full service history. See complete, multiple-duplicated Daily Express records. Some photos may have been augmented.


Comes with second-hand Queen for free. Ideal for anyone looking to complete part of broken up set. Those seeking 1980s-style Princess will be disappointed.


No obligation to take on costly responsibilities of piss-artist formerly known as Prince.


Will consider trade-in for Canadian Prime Minister.


No time wasters.


Image: WixAI

No bias against Northerners insists Buckingham palace


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Annie, a 68 year old single lady from Huddersfield has just had her twelfth rejection letter from Buckingham Palace after applying for the role of lady of the Bedchamber, 10 times under Queen Elizabeth and twice under Queen Camilla. Annie’s last two applications were requesting a position as one of the Queens Companies, a change Camilla recently made to the job.


According to Annie, although the name has been changed, she believes the duties probably remain unchanged since the 1700’s and she has been practicing carrying full and empty Piss Pots up and down the stairs of her two bedroom terrace house for the last 20 years. Recently she had a fall whilst carry the Pot when it was full to the brim, but luckily it was only carrying Orange squash which she uses for authenticity.


A lifelong Royalist, Annie previously worked as a Lolly pop lady for 30 years and had once had high hopes of one day featuring in the Honours list, an MBE or an OBE based on her year’s service and having twice saved the lives of children on her zebra crossing.


According to reports, with no regard for her own safety, Annie literally pulled the children out of the way of speeding Lorries but as Huddersfield is around 200 miles from London and Annie doesn’t write for the Daily mail, her heroism was ignored.


Recently , it was explained to her by her local MP, the powers that be have deemed it inappropriate to have Northerners at the award ceremonies, speaking funny and shoving chip butties in their gobs and generally being loud. A spokesman pointed out that the north was well represented by Prince Andrew adding, 'and look how that worked out!'






Undeterred Annie is thinking of applying for a role as Pen carrier to King Charles or Tin Opener to Wills and Kate.

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