Old lady arrested for calling her cat Palestine Action

"We are taking into custody one Ena Sharples, 73 years old, of Arnos Grove," WPC Merkava of Hampshire Police told reporters outside the woman's Portsmouth home, "on suspicion of having a cat called Palestine Action.

"Neighbours told us she renamed the animal in August and since then has been coming out of her house with a handful of Dreamies every day and shouting 'Palestine Action!' repeatedly, up and down the street.

"You don't get round the Anti-terrorism Act that easily. Besides, we on the force think Palestine Action is a stupid name for a cat.

"We are also confiscating Ms Sharples' goldfish, Shining Path, and three white mice which she says are the Baader-Meinhof Red Army Faction. I honestly believe this old lady has a screw loose.

"People should give their pets law-abiding, inoffensive names," WPC Merkava continued, as a Hampshire Police SWAT team battered down Ena Sharples' front door.

"For example, I have two rottweilers called Mossad and IDF."

image from pixabay

Nation's Cats keeping an eye on something funny going on in living room corner

A spokescat for the Nation's cats today reported that they think something funny is going on in the corner of the living room and they're going to keep an eye on it.

"We sensed a change in temperature, or movement, maybe even a very subtle sound", said Tiddles MacFluffy Trousers of Hayes, "it's probably nothing but we're going to stare at the corner of the room for 2 hours. Y'know, just in case." Mr MacFluffy Trousers pointed out that past investigations had uncovered a large spider in Bolton (which was promptly eaten), an escaped iguana in Penrith (which was paw batted repeatedly for looking weird), and a window ajar in Plymouth that caused a curtain to imperceptibly move. The unfortunate latter incident caused an involuntary case of the zoomies resulting in spilled tea and crying toddler.

It was also pointed out that a low guttural growl maybe emitted at anytime and this may or may not be the warning of a spiritual presence such as a poltergeist, possessing demon or Richard Branson.

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Bond comes out of retirement to warn Rachel Reeves

A smartly dressed man ordered a martini for Rachel Reeves, asking it to be not stirred, but very shaken.

‘The name’s Bonds. Government Bonds.

‘Your polishies are a dishaster.  You’ve borrowed too much.  You’re shpending too much. I’m Government Bonds, and I’ve come out of retirement to warn you to turn back.  My interest levels in your activities are very high – the highest they’ve been since 1998. They’re heading towards 007 per cent.

‘Don’t try and laugh that off. That period since 1998 includes the Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng debacle, Brexit, and the whole Boris Johnson evil supervillain thing.

People are shkared. They are saving all their money, and they're worried about a tax bombshell.  Government spending is up, living costs are up, taxes are up, the games up. Turn back now, or everything will blow up.

And why are you stroking a fluffy white cat?

Image credit: perchance.org