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US government tells Trump haters where he will be buried


"Since President Trump is turning 80 this year, we thought it appropriate to reveal where his burial site will be," said a spokes-crypt for the Federal Cemeteries Commission.


"That is so people can exercise their First Amendment right, in the eventuality of Trump's death, to spit on his grave.


"The location is the Strait of Hormuz Garden of Rest in Utterloosa, Florida - specially renamed to commemorate the place where his political career met its end.


"Insulting the remains of our late, unlamented leader will be a solemn occasion, so we ask the millions of people who have expressed a wish to spit on Trump's grave to book a slot on our website and form an orderly line at the cemetery.


"For VIPs and leading Democrats prepared to pay extra, we will be opening the coffin on the the midnight following Trump's internment so they can drive a stake through his heart.


"That's if he ever had one."



Cemeteries "at bursting point" with obese corpses



The government may have to order a moratorium on dying if people don't slim down, as cemeteries grapple with the problem of squeezing in more and more overweight occupants. Concern has also been expressed over the strain plus-size coffins are putting on the world's timber resources. "If our love affair with carbohydrates continues", warns a DEFRA spokesman, "the average coffin will be the size of a shipping container by 2030". Geography experts have noticed that Britain is starting to bulge at the sides from all the XXXXL corpses being stuffed into it.


The fast food industry has pledged co-operation in the fight against cemetery overcrowding. McDonald's has offered to put a 'Have you considered cremation?' message on all super-sized portions served. Meanwhile, grieving families have complained about the lack of respect from graveyard personnel for their obesely departed, who have to endure nicknames like "hearse-wrecker" and "two-plot fatso". Thirty-two stone Dave Nichols from Gloucester know he's not long for this world due to lack of exercise and chronic gluttony, but he's been told he'll have to wait at least five years before room becomes available. "I'll just have to move to a more spacious country to die", he sighs. "Either that or be buried in instalments in Britain".





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