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Christmas Cracker Jokes 2: The Leftovers


Christmas is the season of excess, and not knowing where to stop. Which is where we got the idea for another round of Christmas cracker jokes.


Here are the almost-indigestible leftovers that we have re-heated for you...


Q. What is Donald Trump's favourite element?

A. MAGAnesium


Q. What is moles favourite game at primary school?

A. Grounders


Q. Why did the England cricket team send a snowman in to bat against Australia?

A. They thought he'd last longer than one of the regular team


Q. What do you call a crash involving a truck load of terrapins in Northumberland?

A. Turtle distastah (got to do the accent)


Q. Where do you send an addicted lumberjack?

A. Treehab


Q. Which fish knows nothing about transport?

A. The Grayling


Q. What do you call a shy fish?

A. Koi


Q. Which fish had a Christmas number one?

A. Kylie Minnow


Q. What's crisp and sweet and swings through the jungle?

A. A meringue-utan


Q. What's Hugh Jackman's favourite Christmas film?

A. The Greatest Snowman


Q. What's Birmingham's favourite panto?

A. Jack and the binstrike


Q. What paper are dunce's caps made from?

A. Foolscap


Q. Can you name the five Louvre jewel thieves?

A. Rob, Joules, Nick, Jems and Rich.


Q. What is Santa's favourite weather?

A. Rain, dear.


Q. What's Angela Rayner's favourite Christmas film?

A. Home Aloan 2


With contributions from billclay and writinginbsl



Image credit: perchance.org

Concerns for passengers as operators announce trains will be freezing next year


Operating companies have announced that next year trains will be freezing. As an industry expert former Tory government minister for transport, Chris Grayling, was asked what he thought of the news as he left the House of Lords.


'Well, I'm not surprised. It's often suggested operators' carriages are cold and draughty at the best of times, but believe me we've not seen anything yet. Because as the government has decided the industry can't increase fares in 2026, then clearly the public must accept cuts need to be made. And one these, I understand, will be to reduce heating onboard services to help fuel efficiency in running the rolling stock.


'And in the event the UK gets the wrong kind of snow in the winter months leading to trains becoming stranded, travellers certainly can't expect operators to pay compensation to anyone who perishes from hypothermia. It will be this incompetent government's fault.


'Now if you'll excuse me I must be off to Paddington to catch the 5.30 ferry to Birmingham.'




People smugglers to charter P&O ferry



It has come to light that a gang of people smugglers have an audacious plan to up their game.


"This is a win-win," said a burly man, festooned with bling and sporting a Breitling watch.

"No more unseaworthy dinghies for the 'customers'. A relatively safe crossing ... assuming the crew are capable.

We get to shift 'cargo' in bulk, and P&O generate some income".

This will require a master of logistics to run the operation. Who do they have in mind?


 "We understand that there's an English chap called Chris Grayling?"



First published 17 April 2022



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