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MoD to be funded by new Firework Tax


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In some "out of the box but away from a naked light" thinking, the traditional model of funding the Ministry of Defence is to be dropped, and replaced with a 10% levy on all fireworks sold.


"It's a given that the Great British Public enjoys an impromptu firework display" said a Government Spokes-sparkler, "so we are linking this love of bangs and explosions to directly fund the defence of this great country"


Senior MoD officials were initially dismissive of the proposal as a joke, but an impromptu study carried out on New Year's Eve 2021 showed that the near continuous 4 hour barrage in the Portsmouth area would have generated enough income for a new aircraft carrier, four regiments of tanks and the down-payment on a Death Star.


Additional "firework" celebration days are now being proposed by the MoD, with Good Friday being followed by Whizz-Bang Saturday, Shrove Tuesday paired with Rocket Wednesday, and all remaining Bank Holidays designated no low-flying days to maximise the explosive fun.





First published 2 Jan 2022


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It will snow or go dark in the New Year

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The Independent Meteorological Service, AKA Dave's dad, has forecast swathes of snow to cross all the important parts of the UK in the early part of January.  The parts regarded as important almost certainly include parts you might be interested in, or possibly near to parts you might be interested in.


'The snow will be ten units deep,' he said, declining to say if the units are inches or centimetres. It could be Smurfs.  It will travel south from the north, and west from the east although there is some potential variability in these directions - travel north from the south is a possibility.


Temperatures will drop to minus ten degrees, or 474 degrees Rankine for any scientists still working in old absolute money.  Unless the minus ten refers to Fahrenheit, in which case all bets are off and it probably won't even snow.


Snow is the most excitable temperature related weather item known to climate change deniers, with a ten minute snowfall in York being cited as evidence against the argument for Climate Change whereas entire ice masses in the artic melting before our eyes is 'just one of them things', said Dave's dad, urging everyone to ignore the warnings, buy a snow shovel (links below) and to buy Dave a beer next time you see him.


Dave's dad is a journalist (sic) working for the Daily Mail.



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