The Metropolitan Police are investigating allegations of drug use on Strictly Come Dancing, in an attempt to discover how contestants manage to be so energetic on a Saturday evening after 14 costume changes and a paso doble.
An inquiry into alleged drug use on the show titled ‘Operation Glitterball’ was launched by the BBC earlier this month, after a producer found a suspicious white substance in a powder compact, and realised it wasn’t the Dior Illuminating Setting Dust they’d ordered from Amazon.
A BBC spokesman said, “We take these allegations seriously. The BBC maintains the highest standards of professionalism, even on shows where people routinely wear rhinestone-covered underwear on national television. Although to be honest, it’s difficult to distinguish ‘normal Strictly behaviour’ from ‘chemically enhanced Strictly behaviour’. If someone’s breakdancing on a revolving platform dressed as a lobster, it’s hard to tell if that’s drugs or just the Halloween special.”
This marks the latest in a conga-line of controversies for Strictly, which has recently been plagued by: two professional dancers departing after ‘allegations of misconduct’, which fans interpreted as ‘someone finally snapped during a rumba’; opera singer Wynne Evans making a sexualised remark during the live tour, as if all those annoying Go Compare ads weren’t bad enough; and the ongoing ‘Strictly Curse’, which remains unbeaten as the most reliable home-wrecker since Henry VIII.
One former contestant, speaking anonymously, said: “People think the Strictly Curse is about forbidden romance. Honestly, it’s about surviving 12-hour rehearsals on nothing but Red Bull, sequins, and increasingly poor life choices.”
Meanwhile, bookmakers are already taking bets on what scandal will hit the show next, with odds-on favourites including: a professional dancer defecting to Dancing on Ice ‘for a quieter life’, and a live wardrobe malfunction being declared a national emergency.
When asked if the show could survive yet another controversy, one BBC producer said, “Are you kidding? Strictly is a British institution. If anything, people will tune in hoping someone does a Viennese Waltz straight into rehab.”
Meanwhile, BBC executives were last seen Googling ‘can fake tan be classified as a Class A substance if inhaled aggressively?’ and ‘does glitter test positive on a drug swab?’
"We went all the way to Alaska to cover a meeting between the two most duplicitous human beings in the whole wide world, genuinely hoping they'd agree an honest deal with each other within a few hours.
"We're really that naive.
"Now the peace talks between Trump and Putin have failed, the line we've decided to run is that we went all the way to Alaska for nothing and it's not fair.
"Honestly, we don't know why we do this job.
"Oh, yes. We remember.
"It's for the air miles, the expense account food and hotel stays on assignment, the duty free at the airports, and the chance to show off to all our colleagues when we get back.
"Saying 'I flew all the way to Alaska for nothing and Putin didn't answer my question in the press conference' sounds sickengly smug to a copytaker in the newsroom who's just taken the train in from Penge.
"We love doing that."