News outlets across the globe have been reporting a complete lack of anything significant to report. Apart from the usual famine, pestilence and plague, there is simply nothing newsworthy to put on the front page. Some Archbishop has passed away, but no one's heard of him these days so sadly he doesn’t count. Our thoughts and prayers at this time are of course, blah…blah…blah.
A press spokesperson said it was the slowest news day in living memory. 'There are some wild claims about a virgin birth somewhere in a foreign place, but things are so desperate we might have to run with the story that the face of a cat in Margate looks a bit like Bill Clinton when it's licking its arse.
Even the Royals are doing nothing. There are strong rumours that the Queen has opened a tin of shortbread biscuits this morning, but we're waiting for confirmation on this from our Royal insider.