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The global outpouring of love and respect for Dolly Parton has confused many statesmen. Donald Trump has asked aides whether people will say similar things about him when he passes. He’s still waiting for an answer. It's getting tense now.
Kim Jong Un felt a natural affinity with the diminutive character with unbelievable hair, but continues to search for her instruments of intimidation. How else can you achieve popularity?
Vladimir Putin has ordered an investigation into the Nashville Intelligence Agency’s obvious psy-ops activities, praising the skilful use of a fictional character and advanced disinformation techniques.
NewsBiscuit can reassure world leaders: when your time comes, the line will be even longer than it was for Dolly Parton. And where you’re going, the gallons of piss will vaporise instantly.
image by Grok
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A man with a van says he got more than he bargained for when doing a recent Billericay house clearance. Dave Collins claims he was magically transported to a fantasy land where he lived as King for two decades.
We caught up with Dave and his business partner Steve.
'There was this big wardrobe in a bedroom. So I opens the door, like, and next thing I'm standing in a snowy wood along with some little geezer a bit like a horse who tells me his world's going down the shitter and needs my help,' Mr Collins says.
He insists twenty years then passed during which he joined forces with a godlike talking lion named Alan to fight an evil Ice Queen, ending up leading an army of magical creatures in a fierce battle against her forces of evil.
'We offed the Ice Queen, I was crowned King, married this well-fit princess bird and was living happily ever after until one day I wandered into a room in my palace and the wardrobe was there. I touched the door and was suddenly back in Billericay.
'Steve says I'm talking bollocks because he'd only just shot down the chippy for five minutes to get us a couple of pies for lunch. So how could all that time have passed? But it's true. Honest.'
Sipping a coffee Steve comments: 'I know Dave swears this really did happen, but as I told him at the time. Maybe lay off the wacky backy when we're at work, mate?'
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First published 31 Jul 2023
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