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Condoms no longer mandatory



Explaining the new ruling, a health spokesperson said: 'I know we said you needed them and technically syphilis is still a thing, but we need to protect your freedom to experience unwanted pregnancy. Besides, men look like an idiot with one on. How is your penis expected to breathe?. And the PM has been leading on this for years'.




First published 30 Jan 2022


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University defends offering prospective students a lifetime’s supply of condoms



The University of Barking, formerly the Polytechnic of the Isle of Dogs, has defended its unusual offer to new students. To attract students through the clearing system, the University is offering a lifetime’s supply of prophylactics, in a range of styles, colours and flavours.


These are ‘inappropriate inducements’, according to critics.


Universities are engaged in a mad scramble to sign up students through the clearing system, due to better than expected A level grades. Universities are desperate to maximise student numbers, in order to maximise their funding, and have resorted to increasingly bizarre tactics to ensure success.


Some universities have offered cash prizes or rent-free accommodation. Others have offered welcome packs including fancy dress costumes, traffic cones and hang over cures. Posher universities are offering subsidised grouse shooting weekends, and one Oxbridge college is offering the chance to do a trolley dash through the college wine cellar.


The University of Barking defended its condom offer as cost-effective, as promoting student health and well-being, and as a sensible response to record levels of STIs on campus.


They neglected to mention the expulsion of a previous beneficiary of the scheme, who filled over a thousand condoms with helium and tied them to a statue of the founder. The statue had floated away and has not yet been retrieved. Anecdotal evidence suggests that it may have reached South Korea.


Man desperate for condoms "heartbroken" by 3 week pharmacist appointment




Ron Jenkins of Clacton has taken to social media to express his frustration at receiving an appointment with a pharmacist three weeks after he met a "not too fussy" Sharon, from nearby Brightlingsea at a karaoke evening. 


'We were just getting busy when Miss, actually I don't know her second name, asked about "precautions". My first thought was the all-night chemist across the road, but when I went there the new appointment system was explained. When I told Sharon about this, she said she wasn't in the mood any more.'


When asked if there were plans for the couple to meet up in three weeks once he'd managed to buy some condoms, Mr Jenkins sadly said, 'No, I made the mistake of turning the light on. I've had to take matters into my own hands.'


Photo by Dima Mukhin on Unsplash

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