Tories to shake up the NHS with the return of the 'wise woman'

Snivelling guttersnipe, Roland Rat-alike and current Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, will delight the Tory faithful today, with a promise of re-introducing Wise Women to the NHS.

'Hospitals and GPs are very expensive,' Sunak will tell party faithful in a speech later today. 'The Conservative Party will shake up the NHS, by putting a shrivelled old crone in a hovel, in every village, in every part of the country.'

'Their knowledge of the flora and fauna of the countryside will be more than enough to treat almost all common ailments. This will lead to a reduction in waiting lists and far fewer people needing hospital treatment, but requiring more undertakers. Hospitals will be freed up to treat diseases of affluence, including gout, alcoholism and proper diabetes.'

Labour Leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has ridiculed the policy, saying that there aren't enough affordable hovels, or trained Wise Women, and that Britain will have to source them from overseas; places like the Isle of Wight, The Farne Islands and islands in boating lakes in Britain's larger parks.'

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Tory election campaign wins Turner Prize

The Turner Prize panel has announced that the Conservative Election Campaign is the 2024 winner of the Turner Prize.

'This is a stunning mix media piece.' read a statement on behalf of the panel's chair, Alex Farquharson, written on the back of a Tory election leaflet. 'Such a brave combination of rainwater, pork pies and excreta that presents a deception that is so transparent that it deceives no-one.'

The awarding of the prize has caused controversy after the piece's creator, Rishi Sunak, issued a counter-statement protesting against the award.

'The point of the piece is to lose; by naming it a 'winner' means that the artwork has failed. But, by failing, it has achieved it's aim of losing. Hang on a minute, this is getting a bit confusing; if I refuse the prize, can I keep the money?'

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The end is in sight for the '1000 year Rish'

At its peak the Tori empire stretched from the sunlit Sussex uplands to the frozen wastes of the Red, White and Blue Wall. Now all has turned to ashes as the Starmer Steamroller and the Reform barbarian hordes converge to crush the few remaining pockets of resistance.

Even when the ruling junta had trumpeted it had ‘taken back control’, it was undermined by a constant series of daring commando-type raids by the legendary cross-Channel Small Boats flotilla, some ironically from Dunkirk. And the plummeting of morale has led to the once-disciplined officer elite now being dubbed ‘The Deserting Rats’

Der Sunak is now trapped in a bunker deep below Downing Street. He has tried to rally his (very) few remaining troops with promises of new ‘wonder miracle’ policies, such as compulsory conscription for seven-year olds, an octuplet pension lock and reduced taxation for multi-billionaires. He has also been working on an inspirational speech that begins “We will fight them on the beaches (unless there is a clashing TV interview)”.

Der Sunak refuses to accept defeat, and has vowed to continue the struggle from a mountain redoubt in California. It is rumoured that there is a U-Turn boat moored at Westminster, packed with gold and umbrellas ready to whisk him away when the inevitable happens.

Image: TheDigitalArtist - Pixabay